So, a little reminder, this entry is the second part of my homework assignment to use snippets of my life/experiences (a biopsy) to start evaluating what happiness is and if it’s worth it. Specifically I was told to:

1. Figure out where my mind visits often, my memories/fantasies.
2. See the suffering. How long is the suffering versus happiness?
3. How do I repeat the cycle?

___________________________________________________________________________

Wonderfully Beautiful

For Halloween a few years ago, I was intent on going to a party dressed as Wonder Woman. For months, I worked-out even harder than usual (3 times a day instead of just 2), I barely ate, all to fit into the costume and look fabulous (I’m sure you will all recall just how little clothing liberated-feminist-role-model Wonder Woman ran around in) And I did look truly fabulous. For one night, I was a rock star, well, a superhero actually.

But man did it suck. From all the workouts I ached all the time. And boy was I hungry. I had some blood work done around that time and my Dr. asked me about a few red flags in my liver enzymes. Conversation went like this:

Dr: “Alana, you have some weird elevated enzymes on your blood panel, any idea why?”

Alana: “ Can too much exercise and near starvation cause those blood results?”

Dr: “Yes”.

Alana: “No worries then, I’m Wonder Woman, she is invincible”

Even the night of the great party, it wasn’t that great. I looked so awesome as Wonder Women, guys wouldn’t leave me alone to just dance and hang-out with friends, I was getting hit-on left and right. I was uncomfortable being so exposed, not to mention cold! And I was so hungry I could eat an ox. Well, a whole pizza, which I did finally do at 2:00 AM when I couldn’t take it anymore and then paid the price with severe heart burn…

This idea, that I can control my body absolutely, since it’s mine after all, that it will be what I want it to be without downside is a place my mind visits often.  I have a ton of examples of it (some of which you will likely remember from earlier posts in this blog) and, just like in the Wonder Woman story, it doesn’t always go according to my plan and when it does, it sure isn’t forever and it sure isn’t easy. Here are a few more examples I jotted down in my homework (there were actually quite a few more, but you will get the idea):

1. I was going to control my blood sugar with coffee extract and ended up peeing myself
2. I was going to control my teeth by putting crowns on them and I destroyed a tooth and needed a root canal
3. I was going to have that great yoga body but then hurt my back
4. I was going to improve my skin with green tea cream and broke-out terribly

The problem is, sometimes I win, get what I want, appear to be in control. For one night, I looked amazing as Wonder Woman. I save that image in my head (#3 Memory) and hope is born.  Hope that I can stay wonderfully beautiful forever (#4 Imagination), that I can keep working out till exhaustion and limit food to starvation and my body, my beauty, will endure.This is how I repeat the cycle, keep trying to stay pretty, stay young, stay healthy, control my body.  But I don’t have an invincible liver or the super heroic willpower to not eat forever. So I suffer. Forget the suffering of getting to Super Woman levels of fitness, losing it was so so so much more painful. Even today, I look in the mirror and see the flab and sag that wasn’t there that night and I mourn for the loss of Wonderfully Beautiful Alana. I wonder and hope if maybe for just one night, I can get there again….