My brother Seth called, again, I finally pick-up the phone and I get an earful, “(something like) Why can’t you just pick-up the phone. Or if you can’t pick-up the phone why can’t you just call me back. It’s been days I have been trying to get a hold of you. I always return my calls, is it so so much to ask for that you do the same?…”.

In my head I’m thinking, “ he is blowing this out of proportion. I know his news was important, this time, but usually he just calls to chat.  4-5 days to return a social call seems fine to me. He is such a complainer.” Huff, puff, whatever, I forget about it.

Fast forward some amount of time, I am trying to reach my husband Eric and he just won’t return my call. I’m thinking, “I’m his wife! Why won’t he pick-up? Get back to me quickly? It’s important. Why doesn’t he think I’m important? Whats wrong with him?”

Freeze: There it is, my moment of internalizing: I do the same thing to Seth as Eric does to me. I have my reasons to not call back Seth, busy, other responsibilities, my husband has his reasons to not call me too. But me, I think my reasons with Seth are reasonable, my standards, 3-4 days to return a call are fair. But I think Eric’s reasons are weak, his standards to call back (even though it’s more like 3-4 hours not  3-4 days) are neglectful. So which is it? Whose standards are fair? Why do I default to mine? What are mine anyway since they seem to be changing depending on the circumstance, the issue, the caller? Basically it seems my standard is ‘ I want what I want when I want it’ — put that way, not terribly reasonable is it?  So really, is that who I want to be? And, how frustrating is my life going to be since, clearly, I can’t always have what I want when I want it.

More importantly, when I don’t get a call back from my husband, it hurts.  It makes me feel unimportant. Neglected, an afterthought. But here I am doing the same thing to my brother. I have someone in this world who wants to speak with me, who cares enough to be affected by whether or not I return a call. And what do I give him in return? Well if it’s anything like how I feel when Eric doesn’t call me,  I give him  hurt, disappointment, frustration.

The thing is, I do love my brother. I love Eric too. If you asked, “hey Alana, do you want to make your brother feel like crap and be super angry/critical of your husband today?”  I’d say of course not, really, who does?   But  I am so accustomed to seeing my side only. So when Seth calls, my side is  I’m busy –he’ll understand. When Eric calls, my side is I’m his wife, I’m entitled. But there is another side.

Seth is my brother, he is important to me, I want him to feel that way. Eric lives in this world, has many responsibilities, works hard to support not just himself, but me too. Why do I lose patience and forget  my gratitude to these people so easily? Whats wrong with me?  
With a little glimpse into what’s happening on the other side of the line … an adjustment to  my own telephone habits came pretty naturally.