I have been watching the new Star Wars spinoff, Obi Wan. In it, heroes and villains alike use lightsabers, the only difference seems to be which color they glow. It’s classic Hollywood dramatic effect.

Throughout the series one of the characters, a hero-turned-villain named Dark Sister, struggles with her decision, with her life choices, with her identity. By the end of the series she decides to abandon her life on the darkside and return the light. In a dramatic moment, she shows her resolve to turn to the good by throwing her lightsaber on the ground and walking away.

As she walks away, the main good guy in the show, Obi Wan, tells her, “Now you are free.”

The scene really moved me, and I immediately thought to myself, “Clearly she is not free, she just wants to become something else, something good.”

I was surprised how naturally this thought came to me. But it was so obvious: Perhaps she is free from one old identity, but she is already building another in opposition. If she were really free, she would pick-up that light saber –a super practical tool in the Star Wars universe – put it in her pocket and keep rolling. She would understand the lightsaber is meaningless, a tool that’s pretty practical to keep around to get shit done, not proof of her hero/villain identity. But the meaning she assigns to the object is too strong. Even as she walks away from it, she is still using it to build herself, to build her narrative as a freshly minted hero.

A long time ago, at a retreat, Mae Yo held up a vase to a student who had been assigned to contemplate on the object. I don’t remember the exact details of the contemplation he shared with her, but it was about becoming enlightened. She asked him what he would do with the vase (presumably a metaphor for his body in this conversation) if he became enlightened. He said smash it, and I remember so clearly the way she shook her head. No she said, why would you do that? You can just put it back on the shelf. Eventually impermanence will kill it.

I’m gonna be honest here: When I was listening to that retreat discussion, I immediately thought the same thing as that other student–smash the vase. Some dramatic, forceful show. When Maw Yo shook her head with disappointment, I was so relieved she hadn’t called on me. Whew, my smart student identity could stay intact for at least one more discussion…

It’s only now, all these years later that her answer came back to me and makes so much more sense: Its just like with the lightsaber, if you know what the item is (a worldly tool), you don’t have to wildly, stressfully, dance around trying to use it to build identity (which it not actually a tool for). You can just use it for useful shit till it can no longer be used. That right there is freedom.