My mom had survived her big surgery, her road to recovery was long and painful, but she was on it. After things settled down a bit, I reached out to Mae Neecha just to let her know how things were going. Our conversation was short, but really captured a lot of my contemplations from that super difficult time. I will share our exchange here, in full:

A: Just on a personal note — my mom is exiting the hospital for in- patient rehab tomorrow; further surgery is being put off till she is a bit stronger. At this point it looks like a long road, but she should recover. My stepfather meanwhile collapsed and is also in the hospital as well now. Definitely feels like when it rains it pours. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know ka. Thank you so much for your advice and support 🙏.

MN: Oh wow, how is your mom taking all of it? Though our bodies are really frail and we can get hurt or die at any time, our minds are even more volatile – sometimes it is the mind that causes physical ailments… like stress making us ill.

A: It’s funny — mentally my mom is A ok. Her religion seems to give her strength, and the delusional ability to look on the bright side. She has been in chronic pain from a rare neurological disorder since I was a kid, so she accepts pain as totally normal. It is really just the physical stuff for her.

She seems to be taking the stuff with my stepdad in stride too. He has refused care for a number of health issues and the collapse got him hospitalized with docs to address all the issues, so in a way she is relieved. Though he caught Covid in the ER and that is a bit scary given his many risk factors.

I however look at my mom and definitely don’t see the “bright side”; I mean in a worldly sense I do, in a dhamma sense though it’s impossible for me not to look at her and see how our normalizing suffering is our trap. I see so clearly a woman with the will of steel and a body that clearly doesn’t do her bidding. And I wonder at the crazy karma she has — this is her second serious car accident. She had sepsis a few years ago. She has this chronic pain issue that kept her bedridden in my childhood…

So much for one lifetime, but my mom, she just marches right on thanking God for each save. And for a family and friends that support her, and all that stuff. Watching this play out is like seeing how the mouse trap is built in that old game…stuck in this world because if you see grace where there is really suffering, if you accept it as normal, how will you ever get out?

As for me, I am exhausted, but frankly happy for the opportunity to do right by my mom and balance out any debts I owe her. Thankfully, I am able to take the time to be here and help her through this. I am happy to also be a support to my brother.

MN: Luang por often talks about how seeing things as “normal” stunts wisdom. Because it happens to everyone doesn’t mean it’s normal, it means it is an inevitable, inescapable truth of life. No one can outrun suffering.

Without accepting that what we face is due to our own actions, without this Buddhist explanation of things, how would people ever understand why bad things happen to them? They have to look at the bright side in order to deflect blame and hope for better. Bad things that happen to us are just random and let’s just hope they quickly pass. It’s always out of our hands because that means we aren’t accountable.. It’s less painful that way

A: Yah, my brother was so upset and angry at the guy who hit her (ironically she is not). I was talking to him and trying to calm him down and I realized that this is just our turn. My mom’s turn for pain, Seth’s and my turn to struggle for family. Seth felt it was so unfair, but we all take turns with pain, aging, struggling for ourselves and our peeps. Only the timing and the details are different. The world is super fair. We take turns

MN: Yes the system is fair. We see it happen to others and we see it happen to us. In turns like you said

A: A long time ago you asked me if I had ever considered that that the world did have an order and consistency to it. That it just wasn’t mine. I have decided you are totally correct.

Yes — folks don’t want to take accountability. So better to see stuff as random, or someone else’s fault. I get that. But I think the bottom line truth is the only way to stop taking turns is to get out of line. We can refine our actions and behavior for sure, we can build good karma for a turn at a better life. But if you stay in line you are always just waiting for a turn.

I think this idea of normalized suffering is super powerful though. If it’s normal it’s inescapable, so you just live with it instead of trying to find a solution. If it is normal you learn to ignore it, it blends into the background. We actually become numb, like my mom to pain. If you are numb to suffering, there is no way to see that this world is Dukka (Which I have also concluded in a deeply in-depth, comprehensive, months long exercise to prove it to myself. I keep trying to write it up to send to you, but then I see more and more and keep revising. But soon(ish) I’ll send the contemplation along) and if you don’t see the world is Dukka you can’t see how it operates in accord with the common conditions. And if you can’t see the world operating in accord with the common conditions, how can you see it doesn’t follow your rules?

MN: This is so deep! I love how you described this. Lately, we have been watching “Ask Steve” Steve Harvey Show clips and it is so amazing how Buddhist his way of thinking is. He basically tells each person to look to themselves to fix the problem, that it isn’t random, that it isn’t something they should just accept – but that they are the ones causing their suffering and they can change that suffering by changing themselves. And a lot of people ask him stuff along the lines of, “is this normal?” Or they have issues because they aren’t “normal.”

A: Ha, that is super Buddhist. The more I practice though, the more clear it is to me that dhamma is just the truth of the world, it is there for everyone to workout, including Mr. Harvey. I mean the amazing road map the Buddha left, and the compass (and regular hints) you and Mae Yo give, are huge helps to me…but the world doesn’t really hide it’s nature, we just figure out the most convoluted “logic” to turn a blind eye to it.

Yah before all this Eric was in a situation where he could exploit a loophole in his contract to quit his job and get the whole pay, but it was sorta a stretch; at the end of the day he decided not to exploit: we figured that if you have an agreement and you collect on it, you will pay what you owe one way or another.

But it was tempting to just self aggrandize. And that’s when it hit me, he and I ( and most other folks) are struggling to create a cushion for a good life/future, but so often don’t even put in place the right karmic causes. We are selfish and cut corners instead of being generous. But what I saw even further was that I could correct the view and the behaviors to put in place the right stuff for a better future. And in that moment I realized that still wasn’t an exit. It was just a long trap. More turns.