2020 Retreat Part 1– A Disobedient Bite Guard/Teeth That Disregards my Rules Can’t be Mine
This contemplation is part of a series of exercises, derived from the Anatta-Lakkhana Sutra, that I did during my 2020 personal retreat. For more details please see the prior blog, Introduction to Contemplations From 2020 Personal Retreat.
Day 1: Part 1: My Bite Guard
My bite guard is not under my control (it is not mine, it does not obey me, it doesn’t act according to my rules and desires).
If my bite guard were under my control it wouldn’t get thick with slime, or get plaque stuck in it, or begin to smell. If it were under my control, it would simply stay fresh and clean and I wouldn’t need to slave away, scrubbing at it each day.
If my bite guard were under my control it wouldn’t have begun to soften and to loose its shape, structure and fit, especially not just from ‘normal and prescribed use.’
If the bit guard were under my control, it most definitely wouldn’t abrade and crack. At the very least, that bite guard would wait to crack at a convenient time, not during a pandemic when going to the dentist to fix it is so hard and dangerous.
If that thing were under my control, I could just say, ‘listen up bite guard, do my bidding already” and it would stop with the slime and the smell and the loosening, abrading and cracking. It wouldn’t be so darn impervious to my pleading, “just hold together a little longer before you break please please (seriously, pretty please with sugar on top)”.
But the reality is that bite guard isn’t under my control. Every morning I pull it from my mouth and, no matter how deeply I wish it weren’t so, it is stinky and slimy. Because it ‘lives’ in an environment –my mouth — that make it prone to have the bacteria and plaque stick to it.
It is abraded and saggy and it has a crack that continues to grow and spread because it is a object that, when exposed to a certain combination/amount of heat from my body and saliva from my mouth and rubbing from my teeth and pressure from my jaw will begin to wear and stretch and crack. Its normal.
When the causes and conditions for this abrading/sagging/cracking have been met, it will degrade no matter how darn inconvenient the timing is for Alana.
“So Alana — is your bite guard permanent or impermanent?” ” Obviously, Great Dharma Lord, the thing is impermanent: I remember when it was clean and shiny and new with absolutely no sign of cracks or abrading. Now, it is clearly decaying and eroding. Frankly I think the thing is about to split in half.”
“And Alana, is something that is impermanent, like you described, stressful or easeful?” “Oh Great Lord, I am hella stressed! I feel like I need this guard to protect my teeth, to prevent them from cracking and eroding. At the same time, I am so afraid to go to the dentist right now and have it replaced — I don’t wanna catch covid. I have taken such good care of it, used it as prescribed, all I want is to be able to depend on it when I need it and here it is breaking when arguably I need it the most (to stay out of the dentist’s –during covid — needing a root canal for cracked teeth).”
“Alrighty then Alana, do you think it is fitting to call something that is out of your control, changeable and stressful ‘who you are’, ‘yours’ or ‘representative of you’? “
“Honestly Great Lord, I ‘know’ the correct answer is supposed to be ‘no’, but the truth is, this is something I struggle with. I suppose though, when I think about it, it is clear that I can’t rely on this bite guard. It is not dependable because it doesn’t subject itself to my rules and my commands. It acts in accordance with its nature (4 elements), shifting in response to its environment and its interaction with other objects — like my teeth and my saliva and bacteria (other 4 element objects). It does not act in accordance with my desires or my ‘needs’, not even during a freaking pandemic. So I suppose it is in fact hard to claim this thing as my own.
Day 1: Part 2: My Teeth are Like My Bite Guard
My teeth are seriously not under my control (they are not mine, they do not obey me, they don’t act according to my rules and desires).
If my teeth were under my control they wouldn’t get grimy, they wouldn’t get covered in plaque, they wouldn’t get food in them, and they wouldn’t smell. If they were under my control I wouldn’t need to brush them and floss them and get special cleanings at the dentist, because they would simply be, and stay, fresh and clean.
If my teeth were under my control they wouldn’t soften from decay, losing enamel and loosening in my mouth. Especially not when I take care of them and use them in a ‘normal’ way to chew on food, not anything crazy like wood or metal.
If my teeth were under my control they wouldn’t be worn down and for sure they wouldn’t be cracking. At the very least, they could wait to crack and break for when I am not on vacation, traveling away from home, or afraid to go to the dentist because of a pandemic.
If my teeth were actually something I could control, they would listen to me when I asked them to stop dirtying and decaying and breaking and hurting. At least, they would take into account all the hard work — brushing and flossing and oil pulling — I do to care for them and return the favor by waiting to break for a time that wasn’t an inconvenience to me. “I mean seriously, come on teeth…”
But the truth is, my teeth quite simply aren’t under my control. My teeth decay and stink because they hang out in an environment — a mouth — where bacteria, that cause odor and decay, fester and grow on anything they can find to consume (like teeth and bite guards).
My teeth are weakened, eroded and cracking because they are an object which, when exposed to the right combination/amount of heat from my body and food/drink, saliva and imbibed liquids, crunching and friction against solid foods and one another, and pressure from my jaw or from food or foreign objects, will begin to wear and crack. It is normal.
When the causes and conditions for decay or cracking or falling out or pain have been met, decay or cracking or falling out or pain ensue. My teeth clearly don’t give a darn that I may be busy, or on vacation, or afraid to go to the dentist.
“So Alana, are those teeth of yours steady-state or are they changeable?” “Obviously Great Dharma Lord, they are changeable — they go through states of dirty and clean. They have had states of being less decayed and more decayed. There was a time when they weren’t worn or cracked at all, but these days it’s crown city up in my mouth.”
“And Alana, is something that is subject to change, like your teeth, stressful or easeful?” Seriously Great Lord, almost no body part has caused me more stress over the years than my teeth. For decades I was afraid to go to the dentist, so I worried constantly what would happen if a tooth broke and needed care. When my teeth did break, I was in terrible pain, because of the lack of dental care. I have had teeth break at the worst possible times, had to drop everything and rush to the dentist. I literally have nightmares about my teeth falling out. Teeth for me are like the definition of stress.”
“Soooo, do you think it makes a whole lotta sense to call something that you don’t control, that keeps breaking and decaying and that is super stressful ‘who you are’, ‘yours’ or ‘representative of you.'”
“I don’t know Lord… But, I guess, when push comes to shove, it is pretty clear, that for all of my hope and all of my effort, my teeth ultimately do not bow to my bidding. Even though, under the right circumstances, I can cause my teeth to be brushed and fluorided and crowned, I can’t guarantee that I will achieve the results I want for my teeth. Even when sometimes an intervention can help, there are times when that same intervention fails (I have had some crowned teeth get ‘saved’ and others get ‘killed by the crowning process), underscoring the truth — I am no master of my teeth.
My teeth break and erode and decay in accordance with their nature (4 element objects). Any influence I have over them is bound by their nature, which — like all 4 element objects — is impermanence. To think I can possess/hold onto/keep an impermanent object is pretty fishy thinking…by that logic, I guess I can say these teeth do not belong to me.
