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Month: November 2022

2020 Retreat Part 8– A Ring/A Body That I Am Forced to Part Ways With Against My Will Can’t be Mine

2020 Retreat Part 8– A Ring/A Body That I Am Forced to Part Ways With Against My Will Can’t be Mine

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Day 8: Part 1: Wedding Ring
My wedding ring is not under my control (it was not mine, I had to part ways with it ‘against my will’).
If my wedding ring were under my control, it would have never gotten scratched, or dull or dirty and dead skin never would have caked-up on the inside making it feel sticky.
If my wedding ring were under my control, I would never have had to worry about it sliding down the drain when I did dishes. I would have never had to worry about it getting stolen when I walked through rough neighborhoods. Most of all, if that ring were really mine, I would still have it today, it would have never gotten lost, we would have never had to part ways.
But the very fact that my ring defied my deepest desires — for it to stay shiny and stay clean and stay pristine and, most importantly to stay with me — absolutely proves that ring is not, and never was, under my control.
When the ring rubbed against other solid objects — tables and weights and steering wheels — it scratched. When the ring was exposed to minerals in water, dust in the house, and liquids in food it became dirty and dull. When the skin on my hand got wet and rubbed against the inside of the ring, dead skin would build up and get sticky. When the elements in  the ring’s environment interacted with the ring in such a way that the causes of scratching, dirtying, dulling and skin build-up were met,  scratching, dirtying, dulling and skin build-up ensued.
Moreover, because that ring was never under my control, when the reasons for our separation arose, the result was our separation.  When cold weather caused my fingers to shrink, my fingers shrank. When the friction of my gloves against the ring caused the ring to slip over my shrunken fingers, the ring slipped off.  No matter how dear it was to me, no matter how much I wished it were otherwise, the ring went its way and I went mine.
“Alana, howz about we do the questions?” “You got it Great Dharma Lord.”
1) Is that ring of yours permanent or impermanent?  Clearly Lord, the ring is impermanent. The ring itself is impermanent, with changes in shine and cleanliness and shape. My relationship with the ring is also impermanent, with us having come together, stayed together for a few years, and then the ring getting lost and parting ways with me.
2) Is the impermanence of the ring something that causes you stress or ease? Lord, it was something that was so deeply stressful. As soon as I got the ring, I worried about it constantly, I wanted it to always stay looking clean and shiny and new. Even more, I worried about losing the ring, about it falling off or getting stolen. When it finally did get lost, it broke my heart. I cried and cried. In my mind I  had lost not just a ring, but a symbol of my specialness, my value and my lovableness.
 Now I understand that my pain and stress in relation to the ring was also impermanent: Before I got the ring, I never stressed about it. Now, years after it was lost I am also completely ‘over it’. My stress had a fixed duration  — it lasted only as long as my imagination was wrapped-up with how that ring defined me, and the future that we would have together.
3) So Alana, do you think it is fitting to regard what is impermanent, stressful and which you need to part ways with as: “This is me.” “This is my self.” “This is what I am.”?
Honestly Great Lord, the fact that I lost this ring, that I was forced to part ways with it against my will, is a very persuasive point for the ‘no column’. While I had that ring, I definitely believed it to be mine. Now that the ring and I have been separated for a time, it is so obviously not mine. If it were really mine, shouldn’t it’s mineness continue even after we had parted ways? But the truth is, it didn’t. The ring, undoubtedly continued on being a ring; its elements continued their ever-shifting-arrangement march towards their ultimate consumption or disaggregation. Yet, after a time, I stopped considering it mine. This proves to me that ‘mine’ is in me and not in the ring.
But we have already seen that rings and shoes and plants and retainers and even my body are all going to act in accord with their nature, shifting into various arrangements of elements before ultimately disaggregating and/or being consumed. I will be forced to part with all objects. If I don’t regard them as mine after we part ways, and I don’t regard them as mine before we come together, why should I regard them as mine for the finite period we are together? What is so special about that time — especially when, as we have established, during that together-time I don’t actually control the object?
I chose  to call that ring mine because I believed it would ‘prove’ a set of qualities about myself — that I was valuable and lovable. But how do I really expect a changeable, losable ring to reflect  a set of qualities in myself that I believe are permanent (I know they are not, but that is a contemplation for another day)? Perhaps that is why I am on the endless, exhausting, soul crushing, anxiety provoking, sorrow inducing, treadmill of acquisition; I need more objects to replace ever changing/losing/dying objects to prove ‘who I am’.
When I claimed that ring as mine, I didn’t just try to possess an object, I tried to possess a particular future that I believed the ring could help guarantee — a long marriage, a continued state of being valuable and lovable.  The future I imagined definitely had the wedding ring in it. Real future did not. So doesn’t that prove that the ring was incapable of bringing about the future I envisioned? Without that power, to bring about the future I want, do I really consider it mine? Lets face it, as soon as I stopped imagining a happy future in NY, the house I owned there, which I had bought feeling so sure would be the home-base for a fabulous NY adventure, stopped being ‘mine’ in my headheart even if it was still mine on the deed.
So if an object can’t stay with me, if it can’t eternally reflect a set of characteristics that I believe are eternal and it can’t guarantee my future, what is the point of regarding the object as mine at all? What is the point of being overly concerned with these objects?  How do I justify the particular pain and stress, that arises only in relation to objects I think I own (ie. I don’t feel particularly crushed when someone else’s wedding gets lost), when the objects don’t even do what I think they do and then disappoint me every time?
Day 8: Part 2: My Body is Like My Wedding Ring
My body is not under my control (it is not me, it is not mine, I will have to part ways with it, even if it is against my will).
If my body were under my control it would never get blemishes or lesions, it would never look dull or get dirty and it would never feel sticky or pained.
If my body were under my control, I would never have to worry about catching Covid when I am around others. I would never have to worry about it being taken, raped, when I walk through rough neighborhoods. Most of all, if this body were mine I could guarantee I will have it for as long as I want it,  it would never die, we would never have to part ways.
But the very fact that this body, on a regular basis, defies my deepest desires — for it to stay unscraped and unscathed, clean and pristine, never sick and never pained — absolutely prove that this body is not and never was under my control.
When this body’s elements are caused to rearrange in ways that result in it being scraped or dirtied or aged or sick or pained, scraped or dirtied or aged or sick or pained will ensue. Because this body is not under my control, it can catch Covid if the conditions for catching Covid are met. Because this body is a physical object, it can be taken and used by others when who are  physically capable of taking it and using it. Because this body is not under my control, no matter how desperately I cling to it, no matter how hard I try to take care of it, my will and my actions are incapable of keeping it with me forever.
“Alright Alana its qq time.” “Lets do this Great Dharma Lord.”
1) Is that body of yours permanent or impermanent? Clearly Lord, it is impermanent — I have seen sores arise and heal, I have had joints get torn, teeth get pulled, skin sag and wrinkle, cholesterol go up, blood sugar go down, breathing become labored muscles strengthen and atrophy. I go through states of dirty and clean, hungry and full, tired and alert, healthy and ill. The body’s external form changes, just as its internal organs and other components change. It gets older and it gets sick and eventually it will die.
2) Is the impermanence of the body something that causes you stress or ease? Oh Lord, on a stress scale of 1 to 10 this body is like a friggen 11. I worry about it constantly, I worry about how it looks, how it feels, how it sounds and how it smells. I worry about ageing, I worry about disease and I worry most of all about death.
3) So Alana, do you think it is fitting to regard what is impermanent, stressful, and which you will ultimately need to part ways with as: “This is me.” “This is my self.” “This is what I am.”?
Alright Great Lord, on this one I really hear you. The fact of the matter is that this body is exactly like my ring, I will be forced to part ways with it one of these days , whether I like it or not. How do I know that with such surety you may ask? I know it because this body is made of the exact same stuff – fire/water/wind/earth –  as my ring and as each and every object in this world. The only difference between this body and everything else is simply the proportion of these elements. Because all rupa arises from an aggregation of elements, marches along shifting and changing the arrangement of elements, and then disaggregates or become consumed, it is absolutely certain that this body — a particular aggregation of elements — which has already arisen, will keep shifting its arrangement of elements and will ultimately become disaggregated or consumed.
At the end of my body’s march, its form’s heat, movement, liquids and solids will have to separate and return to the earth; as such they will separate from me for sure. So is something of this world, that follows the rules of this world, and that ultimately separates from me and returns to this world really me or mine?
The truth is I have bound my sense of self up with this body; I depend on it to ‘hold’ together this Alana life — the family, the friends, the belongings, the ideals and values — but this body is not a dependable thing; its continual shifting makes for fragile grounds upon which to build a life, and whether I like it or not, its dissolution is imminent.
When I rent a car, I sign a contract and I know from the get go that I will part ways with it. Sure, while I have it I care for it, but I am not overly concerned about the thing. While I have it I can use it in my travels, I get to drive it from point A to point B. But when the contract is up, and I have to return it, there is no wailing and gnashing of teeth. One time, I rented a particularly fancy car and as I jumped out at the service station someone waved me down to compliment me on my bad ass car. I thanked them, but the comment didn’t stick, it didn’t puff me up,  I knew in my heart the car was a rental — it wasn’t me, it wasn’t mine, it was just something I was driving for 5 days between Orlando and Miami. So how about this body, isn’t it a loaner too? Something I drive between point A and point B, only to return when the contract comes due?
2020 Retreat Part 7 — Fancy Shoes/A Body That Inevitably Decay and Break, As Part of Normal Use, Can’t be Mine

2020 Retreat Part 7 — Fancy Shoes/A Body That Inevitably Decay and Break, As Part of Normal Use, Can’t be Mine

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Day 7: Part 1: Louboutin shoes
My louboutins are not under my control (they are not mine, their fading, decaying, breaking and eroding are inevitable — a normal part of their use).
If my louboutins were under my control they would not scuff, the leather would not sag, they would never smell or get sticky and wet inside.
If my louboutins were under my control their shiny red bottoms — the feature that makes them so special and unique — would never fade or scuff or scratch or erode. At the very least, the bottoms wouldn’t rub off so quickly, their razzle dazzle would last for at least a dozen wears, they would carry me through all the galas and parties and work events I imagined wearing them to when I bought the things.
If my louboutins were under my control I could just say, “sweet bottom shoes, stay sexy and non smelly and sleek and new looking, keep flashing a little red to the world.” They would listen to my pleas when I say “please, at least, just hold on a little longer before you lose your red-bottom shine, wait until after my next work event before you breakdown and look so worn.”
But the reality is that those sweet little shoes are not under my control. Although I watch where I walk in them, polish them regularly and wipe them down whenever I finish wearing them , after just a few wears, I see the scuff marks, scratches and chips, wrinkles at the toe, and a faint odeur de’foot is wafting up from their storage box.  This is because the shoes travel through an environment where solid objects — the street and other shoes and rocks and dirt — rub against them causing scuffs and scratches and chips. The shoes spend time on my feet where pressure causes them to stretch and wrinkle, and bacteria and sweat from my body create smell.
This is all normal. When the causes for scuffs and scratches, sags and wrinkles, smells and worn bottoms have been met, these shoes will have scuffs and scratches, sags and wrinkles, smells and worn bottoms. My desire for them to be different, my expectation that they will last a certain amount of time, my imagination of their presence at future events, is all irrelevant.
“Alright then Alana, lets do the questions.” “Alrighty-O Great Dharma Lord.”
1) Are your shoes permanent or impermanent? Clearly Lord, they are impermanent. The way they look now is totally different then how they looked when I pulled them from their box the first time, in fact, I can see new marks and shape changes after each and every wear. It doesn’t matter that these shoes have a feature that makes them special — cool bottoms — they seem to wear and break down like every other shoe. It doesn’t matter that I take extra special care of them, they break down nonetheless. It doesn’t matter that when I bought them, I had a vision for these shoes, special outfits and special occasions where I was sure they would join me, they still breakdown, on their own timing and not on mine.
2) Is a pair of shoes that is impermanent, that you so hoped would last and didn’t, something easeful or stressful? Lord, it is so stressful to watch something I care about, I enjoy, I worked hard to buy, and hard to preserve, just breakdown and change. It is disappointing when my fantasies about where I will wear them to, and how I will look in them, are dashed.
3) So is it at all sensible to say that a pair of shoes you don’t control, that change and that cause you stress yours? Can you count on those sweet-bottomed shoes to actually represent you?
Getting to ‘no’ is a work in progress Lord, but here are my observations about those shoes: The nature of all objects is to break down and decay — when their elements have met the causes of their disaggregation or consumption, they will disaggregate or be consumed (or some combination of both). The function of shoes is that they are worn on my foot, out in the world, that they are eroded by, and changed by, both foot and world is a product of their function. When I bought those shoes, I knew all of this already.
But when I saw those sweet shoes, with their o-so-special red bottom, I was wooed. My mind got to fantasizing our future together –at least a dozen wears — and when a little corner of my brain reminded me, ” Alana, just remember those shoes, red-bottomed or not, are going to go the way of all shoes, they will erode and decay as part of their ‘daily life.’ Buy them if you want to buy them, use them if you want to use them, but don’t count on them to be there for you just because you want them, even if you have built your whole outfit on the basis of those shoes, even if you RSVed to an event thinking both you and the shoes will make it, even if you take super good care of them, know those shoes will break down and get busted”.  And then I said to that little corner of my brain, “yah, yah, yah” and pulled out my credit card to buy them anyway.
When I pulled out my credit card, I was fixating on the the newness and shininess and red-bottomedness of those shoes. I wasn’t thinking about their future-worn-out-selves.  When I pulled out the credit card I knew damn well any shoes ( better yet ones that I perceived of as valuable precisely because the area that touches the street most was painted red) would get ‘sick’, but I figured that was a tomorrow problem, I was focused only on enjoying the shoes today.
When I thought about how those red bottomed shoes would represent me, prove my stylishness, I was thinking about the shoes only in their newness and shininess and red-bottomedness state. Never in their worn out and scuffed and smelly state. But both states are native to the shoe. The broken state was already inevitable in the arrangement of the shoe.
When I bought those shoes, I had in mind a certain number of wears, a minimum number of events, and I determined their ‘worth-it-ness’ accordingly. But their final wear came long before my mind’s minimum and I suffered disappointment accordingly.
A part of me now wonders if I would have actually been satisfied if those shoes made it their dozen wears, or if I always want more? Either way,  I know that I made my own, allowed to represent me, something that in the end proved totally dissatisfying. So maybe a different framing of this question is: If I only claim things as mine that I hope will give me satisfaction, and it is questionable if any object at all can ultimately give me satisfaction, should I in fact be claiming anything at all as my own?”
Day 7: Part : 2My Body is Like  My Louboutin shoes
My body is not under my control (it is not mine, its fading, decaying, breaking down and eroding are inevitable — a normal part of its use).
If my body were under my control then my lungs would not scar, my skin would not sag, my moles would not change, my joints would not erode, I would never get sweaty or stinky or feverish.
If my body were under my control the face and the figure — the features I think make me so special and unique — would never fade or fatten or wrinkle or stretch. At the very least, this body would carry me through all the workouts and events and travel and gatherings – the sheer number of years — I imagine it will.
If my body were under my control I could say, ” sweet body, stay sexy and sleek and not smelly. Please, at the very least stay strong and healthy and pain-free” and my body of today would oblige, forever.
But the reality is, this body is not under my control. Although I wash it, work it out, feed it, medicine it and take generally good care, in just 40 years it has scars and torn joints and sagging skin and dark marks and diseases and regular hip pain.  This is because this body travels though the world — encountering other objects and environmental features that heat it and cool it, abrade it and saturate it, push and pull and stop it in this way and that, consume it and alter its balance of elements.
This is all normal. When the causes for scars and torn joints and sagging skin and dark marks and diseases and regular hip pain have been met,  scars and torn joints and sagging skin and dark marks and diseases and regular hip pain will ensue. My desire for a body that is different –unchanging and unimpacted, my expectation that it will last a certain amount of time, my imagination of its presence at future events, is all irrelevant.
“Alright then Alana, here we go with the questions” “Ask and I will do my best to answer Great Lord”
1) Is that body of yours permanent or impermanent? Oh so clearly Lord it is impermanent. The way it looks, feels, smells, sounds, and behaves is totally different now than it was when I was a kid. In fact I can see new marks, feel new sensations, watch how it moves differently each and every day. It doesn’t matter that this body has a face, a shape, that make it different from other bodies, that make it seem special and unique, it seems to wear down and break like every other body.
It doesn’t matter that I have a vision for this body — how it will look, how it will feel, how fit it is, how smooth the skin, how easily it breaths, how healthy it is — it still goes right on breaking down, according to its timing and not my own. I may have imagined a clear faced body at the last gala, but zits still popped up. I might have imagined a perfectly back bending spine, but I never was able to fall into a backbend from standing even after years of doing yoga hours a day, I may have envisioned getting through this pandemic without a hospital visit, but a rabies shot seeking Alana had to go to the ER a few weeks back.
2) Is a body that is so important to you, that you hoped would last but is already wearing, that shows signs of further aging and decaying with each day, something that is easeful or stressful? Nothing causes me greater stress than this body Great Lord. It is utterly depressing, soul crushing, to watch something I care about so much, something I love and depend on, something I work so hard to preserve just break down and change.
I feel disappointed when my fantasies about what this body will do and how it will look and feel are dashed. I feel extreme fear every time there are signs this body is decaying further, sickening and eroding, I live in anxiety of its illness, pain and death.
3) So is it at all sensible to say that a body that you don’t control, that changes and causes you stress is yours? Can you really count on it to represent you?
Getting to ‘no’ is a work in progress Lord, but here are my observations about this body: The nature of bodies is to break down and decay, when the causes for breaking down and decaying (shifting of elements) have been met. The function of a body is to carry me through this world, that it changes and erodes in relation to objects/environments in this world is natural, expected, it is a product of its function. The world makes no secrets about these facts, it is clear and plain to see.
At some point, I must have surveyed these facts and said, ‘yah, yah, yah, to the part of my brain that so obviously observed the ‘full package’ I was signing-up for when I entered a physical form a form that, through its very function, is exposed to the causes that result in its decay.
When I claimed this body, started calling it my own, I must have thought I could count on it, at least for some minimum amount of time, that whatever percentage of the time it satisfied me would be enduring, that it would make the whole body trip worthwhile.
When I am enamored with this body, fantasizing ways I will use it to build a life, feed an Alana identity, move through and enjoy this world, and represent me, I think only about a ‘snapshot Alana’.  A snapshot that is healthy and beautiful and pain free; I don’t think of the ageing, sickening, dying body that inevitably comes about, lying in the frames before and after that snapshot state.
Last night, when a headache and some sniffles had me worried illness might be on the way, I said to myself, “despite your yah, yah, yahing, you must have known this body came with illness, that that was contract you signed. Now when there is illness, how can you be surprised? Why do you feel afraid, disappointed, by something that you knew was coming all along? If this body decays against your wishes and your imagination, in its own time and according to its causes, why would you count on it to represent you? If this body’s sickness and cessation, is not satisfying to can you really claim it as your own? Do you ever really claim things you know won’t be to your liking?
2020 Retreat Part 6 — A Freezer/Lungs That Shift According to Their Elements Instead of My Wishes Can’t be Mine

2020 Retreat Part 6 — A Freezer/Lungs That Shift According to Their Elements Instead of My Wishes Can’t be Mine

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Day 6: Part 1 My Freezer

My freezer is not under my control (its elemental composition shifts in accord with its nature, and not necessarily in accord with my actions nor my desires).
If my freezer were under my control food particles would not clog the drain line, water would not pool and harden at the bottom, gashes and marks would not be left by accumulated ice, and the door would always be easy to pull open.
If my freezer were under my control, it wouldn’t shut off just because the power went out in the house or the landlord unplugged it. It would be something I could always rely on, mine to use whenever I needed it.
At the very least, if my freezer were under my control, it would wait for a convenient time to clog, or be unopenable, or power off — a time when no pandemics or hurricanes threatened my food supply.
If my freezer were really under my control, my panicked cries of, “please don’t clog, please please open, whatever you do don’t go out,’ would have moved my freezer to leap into action, and its thermostat to stay at a safe zero degrees, if not forever, than at least in the times I felt like I needed it the most.
But the reality is, my freezer is not under my control. Multiple times in the last few months, my freezer has broken or shut off, independent of my action, independent of my ‘need’ for it to work.
The state of the freezer changes in accord with its elements, and in the process of interacting with elements in its environment. A crumb of food (4 e) can move into the drain line and, at a certain temperature, cause the water that flows through the line to freeze/harden and block further movement though the pipe. Water can  move onto the freezer floor, solidifying at a certain temperature and blocking the door from moving/opening.
A storm, or an individual, can remove the freezers’ requisite — electricity — and it will cease to function all together.
“So Alana, is that freezer of your constant or inconstant?” “Oh great Dharma Lord, I have a trash bag full of melted food that proves it is inconstant — temperature changes, tubes clog, door opens only sometime and when the conditions for complete shut-off are met, it shuts off entirely.”
“And is a freezer that is inconstant the cause of suffering or ease?” “Lord, it causes stress and suffering by the boatload as I worry about the food inside, and how I will get it fixed and if it is even fixable at all.”
“Alana, if you don’t control the freezer, it is inconstant and it causes you suffering, does it make a ton of sense to call the thing ‘yours’?”
“This contemplation is a work in progress Great Lord, but I can say this: my freezer has proven to me that it acts in accordance with its nature — when elements in the environment, like food particles in drain lines, cause it to shift, its composition shifts and, in the case of my freezer it shifted enough  that its function was altered.” When the freezer was deprived of its requisite — power (heat) — it ceased functioning all together. Though I want to rely on this freezer, it is unreliable. Do I really want to call something I can not rely on my own?”
Day 6: Part 2: My Lungs are Like My Freezer

My lungs are not under my control (their elemental composition shifts in accord with their nature, and not necessarily in accord with my actions nor my desires).
If my lungs were under my control particles of pollen or dust would not cause my airways to begin to close, mucous would not pool and harden in them, scars would not be left by the process, and the lungs would always be able to inhale and exhale smoothly.
If my lungs were under my control, they wouldn’t just stop oxygenating my body because they weren’t getting sufficient air. Obviously, if my lungs were under my control, I could always rely on them, they would be mine to use anytime I needed them.
If my lungs were really under my control, the sound of gasping, the feeling of panic and weakness and lightheadedness, would act as their command — I wouldn’t even need to say, “breath damn it, breath”, before air was smoothly flowing again.
But the reality is, my lungs are not under my control, during countless asthma attacks my lungs have broken or shut off, independent of my action and independent of my desperate ‘need’ for them to work.
The state of my lungs change in accord with their elements, and in the process of interacting with other elements in their environment. A bit of dust or mold or pollen (a 4 e object) can move into my airways and, even at normal body temperature, cause mucus to flow and harden/thicken to block further movement of air to my lungs. In the absence of my lungs’ requisite –air– they can cease to function all together and are unable to oxygenate my body.
“So Alana, are those lungs of your constant or inconstant?” “Great Lord, every single asthma attack proves they are inconstant — I can be rolling along, minding my business, lungs breathing perfectly well and then suddenly they are struggling to function.”
“And is a set of lungs that is inconstant the cause of suffering or ease?” “Great Lord, the throws of an asthma attack are extraordinarily stressful, panic sets in at being unable to breath. Even when I am not suffering the stress of an actual attack, I have to worry about attacks, worry about carrying medicine, worry about going to the doctor and making sure I am prepared for any attack that may occur.”
So Alana, if you don’t control your lungs — an organ lodged at the center of our body, and organ utterly essential to your body’s continued function, those lungs are inconstant and cause you stress, does it make sense to call the things ‘yours’?
“I can’t say with certainty they are mine, unfortunately I still can’t pinky promise, with absolute certainty, they aren’t mine either, my mind requires more convincing. What I can say though is that these lungs, over and over, have proven they act in accordance with their nature — dust, pollen, mold, or smoke have all caused the composition of my lungs to shift and their functioning was altered. When the lungs are deprived of their requisite –air (as well as food and water and correct temperature) — they can cease functioning all together. No matter how much I want to rely on these lungs, no matter how much that I value and hold dear (my very life) rides on them, I know that I  can not count on them to be reliable. So the real question is whether something that I can only use some of the time, when it’s own nature and conditions permit it, is something I can rightfully claim belongs to me? Perhaps it makes more sense to say I can use it for a little while…
2020 Retreat Part 5 — A Peace Lily/Body That Are Reliant on Their Requisites Can’t be Mine

2020 Retreat Part 5 — A Peace Lily/Body That Are Reliant on Their Requisites Can’t be Mine

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Day 5: Part 1: My Peace Lily (Plant)

My peace lily is not under my control (it is not mine, it is reliant upon its requisites).
If my peace lily were under my control its leaves would never yellow and get brown spots, its stems would never become flaccid and sag. If my lily were under my control it would always be perky and erect and bright green and smooth, the way it looks when it is well watered and getting a good amount of sun, when the soil is packed with nutrients and at the right level in the pot.
If my plant were under my control, I wouldn’t need to find it a plant-sitter when I travel, it would just patiently wait for me to return, still healthy and perky and bright. And at the least, if my plant does need a plant sitter, it wouldn’t look even better, with new buds and new leaves, after leaving it in someone else’s care than it looks when it is in my own care.
If my lily were under my control when I talk to it (and yes, I do talk to it) and gently say,”Hey there little peace lily, you are looking sad and saggy and brown today, how about you perk up for me and look all green and fresh blooming today?” And, silently (because duh, plants can’t talk back) my little lily would go full, thick, foliaged bloom.
But the reality is that my little lily is not under my control. The lily is dependent on its requisites — water and sunlight and soil nutrients — in correct proportions to live and thrive and grow. Any imbalance of these has an effect, sagging stems and un-greening leaves and thinning foliage, too much imbalance and the plant will die.
The lily is affected by other 4e objects in its environment, bugs can attack it and consume the leaves, fungus can attack it and consume the stems. A plant-sitter can change its environment or proportion of requisites and it can bloom and grow in response, even if I think, “its not fair my plant thrives so fully when someone else cares for it.”
The lily’s own, internal composition of 4es — its nature — drive it to form flowers at a certain stage of its life, to bloom, to wither and eventually to die, independent of how much I (or my so slightly-too-skilled plant sitter) provide it with its necessary requisites.
“OK Alana — lets do the questions then”. “I’m ready to go Great Lord”
1) Is your little lily changeable or unchanging? “Lord, the way may little lily changes –not just every day, but even over the course of a day — are plain for anyone to see. I can watch it droop when it needs water and perk up again within a few hours after receiving it. I see leaves grow through phases of green and yellow and even brown, I see soil levels decrease and the plant grow taller and wider. I see new leaves form and fall off, new bugs grow and wither.
2) Is a plant that changes stressful or easeful? ” Here is the thing Lord, I love that little plant, it makes me so happy when it looks full and fresh and healthy. When it begins to sag though, as it changes, it makes me depressed to see a limp brown thing sitting on the corner of my desk. But, as it freshens and perks again, I am happy (though a little less happy if it perks under my plant sitter’s care instead of my own) — my emotions are dragged around, pulled-up and down, by this little plant, that is the most stressful part of all.
3) Is a plant that is not under your control, that is changeable and causes stress something you ought to, something that you logically are able to, call your own?
“I hear you Lord, it’s a great qq that I still can’t give a flat-no to yet, but I can say this much:  That lily ticks along, growing, blooming, sagging, perking, yellowing, greening all according to its nature rather than my wishes. It is dependent not on me, but on its requisites. It lives and thrives dependent on these requisites and it ultimately dies independent of  how perfectly or thoroughly it has acquired them.

 Day 5: Part 2: My Body is Like My Peace Lily (Plant)

My body is not under my control it is not mine, it is reliant upon its requisites.
If my body were under my control my hair would never gray, my skin would never get red and brown spots, my muscles wouldn’t go flaccid and my skin wouldn’t sag. If my body were under my control it would be perky, bright and smooth, the way it looked back when I was fit and firm and radiant at 25.
If my body were under my control, I wouldn’t need doctors to prescribe meds, stylists to cut my hair, facialists to clear my acne, parents to care for me when I am young, or Eric to care for me when I am sick. This body would not rely on no one but myself.
If my body were under my control, my will would be its command. The word — the mere thought — to be perky, bright, fit, healthy, alert, strong, raring to go, would result in perkiness, brightness, fitness, health, alertness, strength and ability to go go go till the cows came home.
But the reality, that I so hate to face, is that my body is not under my control. My body is dependent on consuming requisites — food, water — in correct proportions to live, thrive and grow.
My body is affected by other 4e objects in the environment, bugs can attack it and consume its blood, fungus can can attack it and consume its skin. Animals can eat it, cars can crush it,  bacteria and viruses can enter it and shift its state and composition creating illness.  Excess cold can freeze tissue causing frostbite and excess heat can raise body temperature causing brain damage.
The body’s own, internal composition of 4es — its nature — drive it to grow, to go through puberty and menopause, to deplete collagen and sag, to age and wither and eventually die, independent of how much I offer it requisites or protect it from other 4e objects in the environment. When the conditions for gray hairs, skin spots, flaccid muscles, fractured bones, brittle nails, wounds, reflux, worn joints, thickened arteries and altered hormones have been met, gray hairs, skin spots, flaccid muscles, fractured bones, brittle nails, wounds, reflux, worn joints, thickened arteries and altered hormones will ensue no matter how much I don’t want them to.
Are there things I can do to alter the arrangement of 4es in my body? Sure, I can pluck gray hairs, bleach skin spots and moisturize dry skin. But these alterations do not prove my control — if I were in control my hair would not gray, my skin would not spot or dry in the first place. And at least, if it did, my fixes would be permanent, not temporary, and I could ultimately decide and dictate the fate of this body.
“OK Alana — lets do the questions then”. “Copy that Great Lord”
1) Is your body changeable or unchanging? Clearly this body changes Lord. Not just every day, but even over the course of the day, I can watch skin get dry and flaky and then plump and moisturize after I apply cream. I can feel alert in the morning and unable to fight sleep that same night. I have watched it change from child to teen to twenties, 30s, and now 40s: weight has changed, body shape has changed, face sagged, joints have stiffened, sun spots have darkened and esophagus has eroded. Change has been unceasing.
2) Is a body that changes stressful or easeful? My body is my number one cause of stress My Lord. I love it so much, I depend on it, it brings me such joy when it is pretty and fit and healthy — when the skin is spotless and the hair all brown, when the muscles are taunt and the fat at a minimum, when the joints don’t catch and the brain feels alert and awake. When it sags and fatigue and grows blotchy or feverish though it makes me so depressed and afraid. I feel loss. I feel anxiety about future loss. But after I lose weight from a diet, after my rosacea meds heal skin spots, after biopsies return normal, my sense of elation and ease soar. I live  a painful  emotional rollercoaster because of how I react to this body.
3) Is a body that you clearly don’t control, that changes and stresses you the hell out something that you  ought to, something that you logically are able to, call you or your own or representative of you?
I desperately wish I could just say no and be done already, but I know I can’t deceive either you Great Lord nor to myself. Here however is what I can say:
This body ticks along, growing, blooming, sagging, perking, coloring, thickening, thinning, fatiguing, waking, pained and sickening and healing all according to its nature rather than my wishes. It lives and thrives dependent on requisites, its form depends on elements. Nothing about this body exists ‘outside the system of the world’, there is no way to exempt it from being impacted by the process of shifting and changing configurations. Even if I could guarantee optimal nutrients and environment for this body it will die. Its journey ends in the same exact termination point as plants and cars and clothes and homes and every other body.
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