September 2022 – Alana's Dharma Blog

2020 Retreat Part 1– A Disobedient Bite Guard/Teeth That Disregards my Rules Can’t be Mine

September 29, 2022 alana Comments 0 Comment

This contemplation is part of a series of exercises, derived from the Anatta-Lakkhana Sutra, that I did during my 2020 personal retreat. For more details please see the prior blog, Introduction to Contemplations From 2020 Personal Retreat.

Day 1: Part 1: My Bite Guard

My bite guard is not under my control (it is not mine, it does not obey me, it doesn’t act according to my rules and desires).

If my bite guard were under my control it wouldn’t get thick with slime, or get plaque stuck in it, or begin to smell. If it were under my control, it would simply stay fresh and clean and I wouldn’t need to slave away, scrubbing at it each day.

If my bite guard were under my control it wouldn’t have begun to soften and to loose its shape, structure and fit, especially not just from ‘normal and prescribed use.’

If the bit guard were under my control, it most definitely wouldn’t abrade and crack. At the very least, that bite guard would wait to crack at a convenient time, not during a pandemic when going to the dentist to fix it is so hard and dangerous.

If that thing were under my control, I could just say, ‘listen up bite guard, do my bidding already” and it would stop with the slime and the smell and the loosening, abrading and cracking. It wouldn’t be so darn impervious to my pleading, “just hold together a little longer before you break please please (seriously, pretty please with sugar on top)”.

But the reality is that bite guard isn’t under my control. Every morning I pull it from my mouth and, no matter how deeply I wish it weren’t so, it is stinky and slimy. Because it ‘lives’ in an environment –my mouth — that make it prone to have the bacteria and plaque stick to it.

It is abraded and saggy and it has a crack that continues to grow and spread because it is a object that, when exposed to a certain combination/amount of heat from my body and saliva from my mouth and rubbing from my teeth and pressure from my jaw will begin to wear and stretch and crack. Its normal.

When the causes and conditions for this abrading/sagging/cracking have been met, it will degrade no matter how darn inconvenient the timing is for Alana.

“So Alana — is your bite guard permanent or impermanent?” ” Obviously, Great Dharma Lord, the thing is impermanent: I remember when it was clean and shiny and new with absolutely no sign of cracks or abrading. Now, it is clearly decaying and eroding. Frankly I think the thing is about to split in half.”

“And Alana, is something that is impermanent, like you described, stressful or easeful?” “Oh Great Lord, I am hella stressed! I feel like I need this guard to protect my teeth, to prevent them from cracking and eroding. At the same time, I am so afraid to go to the dentist right now and have it replaced — I don’t wanna catch covid. I have taken such good care of it, used it as prescribed, all I want is to be able to depend on it when I need it and here it is breaking when arguably I need it the most (to stay out of the dentist’s –during covid — needing a root canal for cracked teeth).”

“Alrighty then Alana, do you think it is fitting to call something that is out of your control, changeable and stressful ‘who you are’, ‘yours’ or ‘representative of you’? “

“Honestly Great Lord, I ‘know’ the correct answer is supposed to be ‘no’, but the truth is, this is something I struggle with. I suppose though, when I think about it, it is clear that I can’t rely on this bite guard. It is not dependable because it doesn’t subject itself to my rules and my commands. It acts in accordance with its nature (4 elements), shifting in response to its environment and its interaction with other objects — like my teeth and my saliva and bacteria (other 4 element objects). It does not act in accordance with my desires or my ‘needs’, not even during a freaking pandemic. So I suppose it is in fact hard to claim this thing as my own.

Day 1: Part 2: My Teeth are Like My Bite Guard

My teeth are seriously not under my control (they are not mine, they do not obey me, they don’t act according to my rules and desires).

If my teeth were under my control they wouldn’t get grimy, they wouldn’t get covered in plaque, they wouldn’t get food in them, and they wouldn’t smell. If they were under my control I wouldn’t need to brush them and floss them and get special cleanings at the dentist, because they would simply be, and stay, fresh and clean.

If my teeth were under my control they wouldn’t soften from decay, losing enamel and loosening in my mouth. Especially not when I take care of them and use them in a ‘normal’ way to chew on food, not anything crazy like wood or metal.

If my teeth were under my control they wouldn’t be worn down and for sure they wouldn’t be cracking. At the very least, they could wait to crack and break for when I am not on vacation, traveling away from home, or afraid to go to the dentist because of a pandemic.

If my teeth were actually something I could control, they would listen to me when I asked them to stop dirtying and decaying and breaking and hurting. At least, they would take into account all the hard work — brushing and flossing and oil pulling — I do to care for them and return the favor by waiting to break for a time that wasn’t an inconvenience to me. “I mean seriously, come on teeth…”

But the truth is, my teeth quite simply aren’t under my control. My teeth decay and stink because they hang out in an environment — a mouth — where bacteria, that cause odor and decay, fester and grow on anything they can find to consume (like teeth and bite guards).

My teeth are weakened, eroded and cracking because they are an object which, when exposed to the right combination/amount of heat from my body and food/drink, saliva and imbibed liquids, crunching and friction against solid foods and one another, and pressure from my jaw or from food or foreign objects, will begin to wear and crack. It is normal.

When the causes and conditions for decay or cracking or falling out or pain have been met, decay or cracking or falling out or pain ensue. My teeth clearly don’t give a darn that I may be busy, or on vacation, or afraid to go to the dentist.

“So Alana, are those teeth of yours steady-state or are they changeable?” “Obviously Great Dharma Lord, they are changeable — they go through states of dirty and clean. They have had states of being less decayed and more decayed. There was a time when they weren’t worn or cracked at all, but these days it’s crown city up in my mouth.”

“And Alana, is something that is subject to change, like your teeth, stressful or easeful?” Seriously Great Lord, almost no body part has caused me more stress over the years than my teeth. For decades I was afraid to go to the dentist, so I worried constantly what would happen if a tooth broke and needed care. When my teeth did break, I was in terrible pain, because of the lack of dental care. I have had teeth break at the worst possible times, had to drop everything and rush to the dentist. I literally have nightmares about my teeth falling out. Teeth for me are like the definition of stress.”

“Soooo, do you think it makes a whole lotta sense to call something that you don’t control, that keeps breaking and decaying and that is super stressful ‘who you are’, ‘yours’ or ‘representative of you.'”

“I don’t know Lord… But, I guess, when push comes to shove, it is pretty clear, that for all of my hope and all of my effort, my teeth ultimately do not bow to my bidding. Even though, under the right circumstances, I can cause my teeth to be brushed and fluorided and crowned, I can’t guarantee that I will achieve the results I want for my teeth. Even when sometimes an intervention can help, there are times when that same intervention fails (I have had some crowned teeth get ‘saved’ and others get ‘killed by the crowning process), underscoring the truth — I am no master of my teeth.

My teeth break and erode and decay in accordance with their nature (4 element objects). Any influence I have over them is bound by their nature, which — like all 4 element objects — is impermanence. To think I can possess/hold onto/keep an impermanent object is pretty fishy thinking…by that logic, I guess I can say these teeth do not belong to me.

Introduction to Contemplations From 2020 Personal Retreat

September 23, 2022 alana Comments 0 Comment

In August 2020 I decided to do a personal, self-guided, week-long retreat because I was unable to join the Temple’s Zoom retreat several weeks prior. I had learned from a friend about one of the exercises taught at the temple retreat and it deeply resonated with me, I decided to focus my own contemplations for the week on doing a deep-dive into this same exercise.

The exercise was quite simple, a series of questions, framed as a conversation between the Buddha and the practitioner, to guide contemplation on the nature of self in regard to our bodies and our physical belongings. The contemplation begins by taking an object that we own and considering whether or not that object is really under our control. It then imagines the Buddha asking the following questions to which one must formulate a reply:

“Alana, is your ____ (object chosen for contemplation) constant or inconstant?”
“And Alana, is something that is inconstant stress full or easeful?”
“Is it fitting to regard what is inconstant, stressful, subject to change as: ‘This is mine’. ‘This is my self’. ‘This is what I am’?”

The same considerations and questions are then internalized and applied to one’s body. Rinse and repeat.

I had already been hot and heavy on the topic of the 4 elements, self and self belonging for over a year, so this new ‘take’ on my old contemplations was deeply appealing. But what really moved me about this ‘exercise’ is that comes straight from the Anatta-lakkhana sutra (literally translated the characteristics of not-self sutra): These are teachings straight from the Buddha’s mouth, and damn are they juicy ones!

The Anatta-lakkhana sutra methodically and brilliantly lays out the evidence for why the 5 aggregates are not ourselves; each of the aggregates are subject to dis-ease, they do not abide by our orders/rules, they continually change, and they cause a shit ton of suffering, so what business do we have regarding these as self? Each aggregate, is subject to the 3 common conditions (suffering, impermanence, no-self), what we regard as ‘self’ (i.e. the 5 aggregates) is not exempt, not different or special. At least for the OG listeners of this sermon, when they really saw these aggregates –everything in the world — for what it was (suffering, impermanent and not-self) they became disenchanted. “Disenchanted he becomes dispassionate. Through dispassion he is released.” This sutra is literally a how-to-guide for enlightenment!

The first level of enlightenment deals specifically with correcting our wrong views vis-a-vie rupa, the aggregate of physical form. This is the focus of the exercise, a deep dive into the nature of rupa/4 elements to understand whether or not objects can really be ours. Can they follow our rules and meet our expectations if they arise and cease based on, and are bound to follow, the rules of rupa (the rules of the world, i.e. the 3 common conditions)? Can things made of elements, that predictably come together and then disintegrate into their elemental parts, be with us forever? Will they be there when we want/ or need them? If not how do we justify calling these items ours? Doesn’t the indisputable nature of these objects (to change, to not do our bidding) stress us the fuck out? Don’t we feel loss, disappointment, pain, distress and despair on account of the nature of these objects (or rather on account of our desire for them to be other than what they are)? Can we really say that something that causes us suffering and stress is us/ours/represents us? Spoiler alter here: The answer of course is NO, the sutra tells us as much. But the exercise is about more than just saying no, it is about PROVING NO, to ourselves, finding no in our hearts. That was my goal for my retreat, and the next few blogs will share my own efforts at the exercise from the Anatta-lakkhana sutra to get there.

Afterall, when in doubt, the Buddha’s own words are the perfect guide to practice!

Video Sent By Mae Neecha Part 8

September 16, 2022 alana Comments 0 Comment

In July 2020 Mae Neecha sent over a video for me to view to aid my practice and fuel my contemplations. I am going to share the video below as well as and my reply to Mae Neecha (edited a bit for clarity) and her comments back to me. Though this video came from Mae Neecha, as opposed to Mae Yo, I am going to use the Mae Yo sequencing and tag in order to enhance searchable and organization of these blog types.

The Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnshlMG6eBI

Alana’s Response to Mae Neecha: Unusual beauty: As the video went through the series of beautification practices across the world, it felt like the message was ” look at these freaks, doing these extreme, painful, frightening (using traditional tools, no anesthetic, etc) things to achieve a look that, from a western perspective, isn’t even beautiful at all” when my mind followed that narrative, I came to the conclusion that it is so much pain for nothing, it is crazy.

But then, none of beautification rituals we do here in America, ones I have certainly done, show up in the show. Botox, surgery, fat loss machines and dermarolling. Even less invasive — how about ‘stinging lip glosses that make your lips plumper, diet pills that make you feel like a pixie on crack but make you thin, extreme workouts, starvation diets…These things are so painful, some dangerous, hard, time consuming. But these, familiar Western beauty rituals, to achieve Western beauty standards, these I think are “worth it” somehow. At least these make sense to me, they don’t seem freakish or grotesque like the rituals shown in the video.

But what is the difference really? If those folks filing their teeth or putting rings on their neck are crazy for their beauty enhancements, so am I for my botox and fillers and extreme workouts. It is my delusion, my desire to achieve some ideal, identity, advantage that I think a particular look will provide for which I so freely suffer. The kicker of course, which the video makes clear is the ideal –like beauty standards across cultures — is constructed anyway. Not absolute. And certainly not enduring because time will undo any efforts anyway.

Sometimes it’s longer duration, but sometimes it is sudden or unexpected duration…all it took was a lockdown order and now my botox has worn off; wrinkles I never thought I would need to contend with, never thought I would need to face, are appearing on my forehead. Why can’t I put down this obsession with beauty? What is the benefit I think is so great that I am willing to keep enduring my own beauty rituals for? Enduring when their effect is only temporary anyway.

The other night a scene from a show I was watching popped into my head: In the show, an adult son, is literally being whored out by his parents for money. The son is given an opportunity by a friend to leave, he would be given a job and a home and a new life away from his crazy parents that whore him for money. But the son won’t go. He says he can’t leave his folks because they can’t make it without him.

It was a scene that really bothered me, I couldn’t figure out why the hell the son wouldn’t just leave — I would. I contemplated on it for a while and finally I realized for the son, the identity of being the person who was needed, depended on, was the reason he endured actual torture, even when given a way out. That is why he didn’t just put down his old life and leave. Same as I can’t put down my own torturous beauty rituals and be done.

Even when there is a steep cost, the need to affirm ourselves, who we think we are, is so profound we persist in the arbitrary activities we believe will affirm us. Even through the dividends I get from any painful efforts are temporary, I persist. So the question is – how do I stop? How do I stop if I already know climbing up the mountain sucks, being on top is short ( and distracted by thoughts of preservation of the high and climbing higher next) and the down sucks even more?

Response from Mae Neecha: More Tuk Tot Pie (suffering). Stopping comes from seeing enough Tuk Tot Pie, in both the worldly and dhamma senses

Further thoughts on the topic of beauty and self: I realized the other night that the reason I care about beautifying the body so much is because it is a litmus test for my desirability. Like a fish tank strip — the strip itself isn’t acidic or basic, it doesn’t have an innate acid/base quality, but it ‘proves’/reflects those qualities in the water. It is what makes them visible and knowable. So I know I am not my body, but the body –all my belongings– are a required tool to prove something about myself.

At the end of the day, for something to reflect me I need to be able to control it don’t I? How can I take pride in and depend on something like a body to represent me if I can’t even make it do what I want? If my ability to mold it is constantly superseded by reality, time, rupa rules and circumstance?

No More Than The Sum of Its Parts

September 9, 2022 alana Comments 0 Comment

I had been watching the Marvel movie, Dr. Strange: At the start of the movie, he is a sucessful surgon –he has status, respect, fame, wealth — he is on top of the world and its worldly conditions. But then he is in an accident, he injurs his hands and he is unable to continue performing surgery, he loses his fortune, his fame, status and respect, he falls low in the world. When he was at the top, he collected watches and though he sells most of his stuff when finances get tough for him, he holds onto a single watch that holds meaning to him. One day, he is attacked in the street and the attacker tries to steel his watch, Dr Strange cries out that it is “all he has left”, and though he is able to fend off the attacker, the watch is broken in the process. Dr. Strange’s heart is clearly broken as well.

This one scene, it deeply moved me. Afterall, I can relate — just like Dr. Strange, I assign meaning to my objects. For him, that watch was more than glass and gears, it was an object that represented his whole past life, his former fame and fortune, it was part of an identity that he had lost, though continued clinging to it nonetheless. But the truth is, a watch is just rupa, there is nothing more to it than its parts, there is no meaning tucked in and hidden amongst the springs. The meaning, the value, is something external, something that we apply, the meaning isn’t in the object, it is in our heads alone.

When I consider my beloved stuffed animals, I can see the truth that their value is not innate: These objects, so precious to me becasue they were gifts from Eric or my dad, wouldn’t raise more than a few bucks at a garage sale. Afterall, objects are only 4 elements that, in certain states, under certain circumstances, and for certain times, have utility, not value, not meaning. But me, I am moved by each item in my home, by the stories they conjur in my head. I am moved by mineness.

The real question is, why am I so moved minenss? Isn’t claiming (the process of making something mine) just the process of arbitrarily picking an object to be me/mine/represent me? It could be a watch, a house, a city, a car — it really doesn’t matter what bundle of 4es I choose– I assign value to them, value and meaning, that I use to curate my sense of self, just like Dr. Strange’s watch represented his identity as the prodogy surgon.

When I watched Dr. Strange, I got myself carried along by the story, began to identify with the character, the meaning that watch held, it felt real and relatable. But when I stepped back, I saw it is simply not true, a watch can’t possibly be all you have left of who you are, becasue a watch is not in any part who you are. A watch is no more than the sum of its physical parts, there is no identity to be found there.

Our beliefs about these objects may be untrue, but the dukka we experience over them is still vivid and real. As those robbers came creeping onto the screen, I felt fear; as Dr. Strange cried out when his watch broke, I felt his shattering loss. But just like meaning, the pain of loss is not in these objects, it exists only in our hearts and our hearts are in our power to change.

Some Final Thoughts on Everything is Dukka –The Cause of Suffering

September 2, 2022 alana Comments 0 Comment

After I had sent Mae Yo and Mae Neecha my uber-long synopsis on everything is suffering, they send back a reply that had a a simple question: “The Buddha said that there are two kinds of suffering – physical suffering that we cannot avoid and mental suffering that we can avoid. In order to avoid that suffering, we need to know the cause of it. Mae Yo asked, do you know what the cause of suffering is?”

On the tail of so much in-depth investigating into the whys of suffering, its fundamental presence in this world, the answer to its cause, at least in my own life, was immediately clear to me — I am the cause of my own suffering. Here is my reply to Mae Neecha:

In short, I’m the cause of my suffering. My desire for the world to be how I want it to be ( as opposed to how it actually is) and then my continual schemes and efforts to force it to be as I want. To try and force it to confirm who I think I AM.

The cause of my desire however is ignorance; I don’t REALLY understand what the world is, so I don’t really understand the impossibility of trying to force it to follow my rules (instead of its own, the rules of cause and effect, the 3 common conditions). I am so blind, that my imagination takes the isolated moments the world is sorta-kindda-if-you-squint-real-hard close enough to my desire/view as ‘evidence’ that all I need to do is hang on to what I have, try harder/more/luckier/better and maybe this time ( or at least some time soon) I will finally pwn the world. So more “turns”, and the accompanying dukka, ensue.

This is why the heart of the 8 fold path — the way out of suffering– lies in changing my view. So I can align my understanding with the reality of the world ( since the reality of this world is sure as hell not going to be the one to align to my understanding/ imagination). Only when the cause for desire, ignorance, is removed can desire be removed. Only when the cause for suffering, desire, is removed can suffering be removed.

But seriously, thats all a little technical. Watching my 3 year old niece have a tantrum because shit isn’t the way she demands pretty much exemplifies the cause of suffering — the world doesn’t revolve around her, but she thinks it does. It doesn’t revolve around me when I think it does, when I so desperately want it to: So it’s all sorrow, lamination, pain, distress and despair till we stop expecting this world will confirm us, be as we imagine, or give us what we want. Till we stop clinging to the hope that we can keep what we love, avoid what we hate and have everything ( or even just most things, or enough things) as we want it to be.

I am the cause of my suffering, not just because I want the world to be how I want it to be, but because I want myself to be what I want to be — I want to become. Not only am I ignorant of what the world is, I am also ignorant of what I –self — is. I suspect this ignorance is actually more primary –first I need to misunderstand self before I can believe there is a world that will somehow obey and conform to self. I think this is why the rest of that passage from the morning chanting , after re-articulating the noble truth of dukka, continues on to speak specifically about the aggregates and what they are — stressful, inconstant and not self (subject to the 3 common characteristics like everything else). If ya wanna fix stressing ya gottta fix ignorance of self.

The more I considered my reply, the more I realized it may be time for me to turn my attention to the last of the 3 common characteristics, annatta, or no-self; if belief in a self is fundamental to causing my suffering — for motivating and propelling my births and becoming — then understanding the truth of no self, of the inevitable cessation of all forms and processes, of the illusion of identity I imagine in the aggregates, seems like a natural next step in my path to eliminate my suffering (aka Buddhist practice). Plus, I started this practice with impermanence, dug deep on dukka, it seems only fair to give the characteristic of no-self a little air time. That all brings me to my practice today. Right now, annatta is a slow faucet drip, I grope around, feeling mostly lost. But I have been here before, I have a plan: Each day I try and find a few examples of annatta, I gather evidence, I analyze to try and begin seeing patterns from the evidence, try to begin to consider the why everything in the world must be annatta (just as everything is impermanent and dukkha). Slowly, I suspect it will come…if and when it does, perhaps you Dear Reader will get yet another interruption in our regularly scheduled program. Till then though….I end will draw this little side-track to a close and return us to our Regularly Scheduled Program with the next blog.

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