Alana's Dharma Blog

The blog below was published back in May 2020. I did however want to re-publish it here, in the correct chronology of this blog. I hope that being contextualized in time with its contemporary contemplations offers a fresh perspective on this remix…

The other day, a friend (who incidentally is Buddhist-curious, but not a practicing Buddhist), asked me what my musings were during these crazy Covid times. When I re-read the email I wrote her, I decided I wanted to share it here, on my blog. Now. While this whole pandemic thing is still  a fresh,  shared reality for all of us. I want to share it because, it is not at all technical, there is no Pali jargon, no difficult Buddhisty concepts. This is just the raw, real, reflections of scared-as-shit-there-is -a-fucking-pandemic-Alana…

Blah blah (personal conversation with a friend)…I am bored and edgy though for sure, given that health anxiety and hypochondria are my native fears, a pandemic is definitely a hot button issue to say the least. But, as you have guessed, its certainly a time and a topic ripe for musing…

As a little recap: Buddhism 101: Everything in this world is impermanent, things arise based on causes and when those causes are exhausted, those things cease to exist. Suffering arises because our understanding of the world is misaligned with this truth of impermanence. We don’t understand the nature of this world, so we are constantly hoping and expecting that we can somehow keep what we love forever and avoid what we hate forever. We don’t see that the cycles of arising and ceasing are the law of the land, we are mere subjects, not all powerful sovereigns.

In general,  I like to think I can control my life; with enough gym time or diet restraint I can guarantee my health,  with enough hard work, or money or intelligence I can perfectly plan my future. But a  pandemic is one hell of a bitch slap to my control. The truth is, as a human, I am subject to viruses — their physical nature is to consume humans and my physical nature, as a human, is to be consumed. In fact, the nature of all things in this world is to consume and be consumed, this is one of the faces of impermanence.  Of course, some humans have circumstances that make them more prone to being consumed and to suffering worse health outcomes — there are health considerations, economic considerations, livelihood considerations — but at the end of the day, all humans are subject. The lie I tell myself, that I am special, that some quality or behavior will make me exempt, is laid pretty bare by the fact that I have to be locked down, going stir crazy, in my fucking apartment.

This, of course, is not the future I foretold back when I started planning out my year in Jan. I felt utterly blindsided by this mess. I feel sorrow and horror and fear when I read the news, when I hear about neighbors who have fallen ill and so many friends who have lost jobs and businesses — it all seems wrong and unfair.  But the misconception that lurks beneath these feelings is that this world was going to continue the way it had been going. That April 2020 was going to be, more-or-less, like April 2019, and 2018, and 2017 and 2016…I was lulled by relative repetition (or rather scenarios similar enough that my mind easily glossed the differences and paid attention only to similarities) into forgetting the true ruler of this world — impermanence. All of my consternation is because on some level I feel like the world is broken, like it needs to ‘go back to the way it was’, to be fixed. But this isn’t a state of brokenness at all, this is exactly how and what the world is. What is broken is me, with my hope and expectation that it should somehow be different.

(This friend of mine has to move for work a lot and…)on one of our last outings in SF, you pointed to the unkempt sidewalk and some of the dilapidation in our old hood and you shared that one of your tricks to preparing your heart to leave a place/ to letting go of an old home, was to start paying attention to the negatives. This little trick of yours, bringing balance to your view so as to lessen your attachment, is 100% the same method that practitioners use to achieve Nirvana (freedom from all future rebirths).  Everything in this world has 2 sides (this is another face of impermanence). We humans are generally conditioned to notice the side we like and ignore/forget/minimize/justify the one we don’t.  We fool ourselves into thinking that the side we like is the  ‘normal’ state and that which we don’t is the outlier…if only we plan or control or hedge we can avoid such outliers all together. This hope is the fodder for desire to be born into this world. Gathering evidence to see the full picture, that what we love comes hand and hand with what we hate, is the fodder for freedom from this world. I love community, connection, togetherness but it comes hand in hand with contagion and disease…

So, just a few of my thoughts on all this crazy shit. Lets just hope this global pandemic is my (rude) awakening indeed ;).

I walk into the kitchen to grab a snack and notice a puddle on the floor. Not thinking too much of it, I wipe it up and go on with my day. A few hours later, I head to the kitchen again and once again, there is a puddle on the floor. This time, a quick investigation reveals the puddle-making culprit – the freezer is leaking…

In ‘normal’ times, I would have just called my landlord and waited for her to schedule a repairman. But this is Covid times, when I have a stockpile of emergency food I don’t want to risk melting. When the idea of a repair person in my safe-covid-free home conjures up images from Outbreak. No…in these crazy times, I am going to try to fix the fridge myself.

Armed with youtube, duct tape and a tool kit, I got to work. Much to my surprise, a few hours later, I had actually fixed the fridge. I was elated. CRISIS AVERTED! I felt like The Incredible Mrs. Fix-It. I grabbed a nice, cold, snack out of the fridge to celebrate my victory.

Later that night, while I was lying in bed, I began to consider the broken fridge situation further. I was so happy that I was able to fix it. I felt so relieved, empowered, that I had been able to keep myself and my stuff safe. Frankly, I felt like a badass, like an on-top-and-in-control Alana, who is a crafty, prepared, master of her own universe, that can stay a step ahead, that can stay safe.

But these feelings, they belie a glaring truth: If I was so on-top-and-in-control, of my life, or my stuff, how on earth did my fridge break in the first place? If I am so special, badass, if my skill or preparations or craftiness really kept me safe, why am I cowering at home afraid of a tiny virus?

I use my small victories – moments where circumstances align with my wishes, moments where I ‘fix’ things or force them into states I want – as proof to sell myself the lie that I am somehow special, that the world, or at least my corner of it, will obey me, confirm me, keep me safe. But I am taking the wrong message away from these instances: In a world that bowed to me, the fridge never would have needed fixing because it simply wouldn’t break (and it sure as hell wouldn’t break in the middle of a pandemic, when I rely on it most, when fixing it involves such peril).  In a world that bowed to me, I wouldn’t need to avoid a virus because my body would remain unbroken.

The real message should be that there is no safety being dependent on things that are unreliable. There is no mastery or greatness in having to duck and dodge the impermanence and danger inherent in this world.  I am vulnerable, like all people, like all objects. Crap I need failing me, leaving me hanging, does not a badass make.