Alana's Dharma Blog

After Several weeks of chewing on all the insights I had gained during and after my line Chats with Mae Neecha, I felt finally ready to send a synthesis of my thoughts and understandings to Mae Neecha and Mae Yo. Below is the email I sent. I have divided it into two parts/ blogs as it is quite long.

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Hey Mae Neecha — I sure do hope this email finds you well. It has been a few weeks, so I just wanted to share a bit about where my contemplation have taken me…its long, so I thought I would try email versus line. There has been so so much, so this is sort of high-level summary without a ton of details.  Mostly I have just been spending as much time as I can practicing; when I feel stuck or out of ideas I read a book from LP Thoon, or a Mae Yo Q and A or I just try to find examples of impermanence around me since that is something that comes easily. Most of all, I  just keep pushing.

I haven’t been deliberately systematic in my contemplations, but when I look back on them they do seem to be pretty well grouped around particular topics:

1. Going through my definitions of “ownership” and proving that my belongings or body don’t actually fit the definitions/that the definitions themselves don’t actually prove ownership/that rupa has another master.

• Command/Serve — A strong idea I have about what makes my shit mine is I either have the ability to command it (it serves me) or that I am able to/bound to care for it and serve it. So I  looked at the concept of serving/commanding using a fruit and tree as an ubai: I clearly saw that a fruit doesn’t command a grown tree to support it (i.e. the tree doesn’t serve the fruit); for a time a tree, if its conditions allow it, can direct nutrients toward a fruit and if that fruit is able to receive them (i.e. it is attached to the tree, the stem structure is healthy, etc) it does. But this happens only because it is a possible relationship between trees and fruits for a time. Eventually the tree dies or the fruit dies/falls off and it is no longer the case. Likewise with a tree commanding a fruit. I also used the same model of thinking to consider if a seeding fruit and the seedling tree command/serve each other and again realized in both directions all we had was a relationship of factors that could sometimes yield particular outcomes temporarily. The cause in all 4 cases (adult tree/fruit, seeding fruit/sapling) was that 4es are continually shifting as circumstances change; they have the ability to yield seedlings, saplings, trees and fruit, so the cause of all of them is in the nature of 4es themselves: the right conditions shifted into place temporarily and voila, trees and fruit. I then ran a bunch of my own belongings and body through the tree/fruit model to uproot the idea of mine based on serve/command.

• Represent — I tend to think my belongings represent me, so I went through all the ways my body and belongings fail to represent me. How I felt my post puberty body didn’t represent me. How I feel so tough, but on days I need to drop to my knees to do push ups and that doesn’t represent me. How my bladder peed myself in the middle of an important meeting and that doesn’t represent me. When my dad was dying I got sick and I had to wear a mask to visit him. I remember feeling so upset, like this weakened ugly state didn’t represent me at the moment in time I most needed it to, when I was facing someone so important to me for the last time. I was so pained and it didn’t matter, because the truth is my body doesn’t represent me.

• Movement/pain — I was feeling the burn after squats at the gym when I realized I took the fact that I could (sometimes) move my body and feel pain as evidence of mineness. So, I went through a ton of examples (finally landing on a barometer) to prove that the ability to move this body and feel pain did not prove they were mine. 

• Left Behind — I was thinking about one of the things that made me saddest when I went back and visited SF for the first time after I moved was seeing the city was just humming right along without me. I considered it my city, my home, but without me there is continued to grow and change and exist.  I realized the same is true of my body; once nama departs the body will burn or decay or organs will be transplanted — in all cases the 4es will change shape/form and keep on keepin on without me. My car, which will either be sold to someone new, or be chopped for parts, or melted for metal. Or my clothes, jewelry, etc.  How can I own something that leaves me behind, that doesn’t need me to keep going?

The truth is all 4es, after their rental period is up, eventually make their way back to this world, so this world must be their master/owner.  Shit can have only 1 master, so how can I say something is mine when it already belongs to the world? 

• You need a rupa suit to play in the rupa world: It dawned on me that nama can’t actually ‘touch’ the rupa world; it can’t collect, organize, build 4e arrangements on its own, that is why I am born with a body. It is like a video game player that enters a level, “rupa level” and finds there is no way to play or interact with the world until I done a special suit (body) that allows me to play, to talk to other characters, to pick up coins and to beat up baddies. This is why LP Thoon says if we are attached to our objects we will be reborn because of them — we will be reborn in rupa out of the drive to arrange rupa/items as we like; here is how form fuels rebirth.

The problem is once I am in a rupa suit that I can use to touch rupa, rupa items can touch me back. Its the rules of rupa that 4e objects can effect other 4e objects; it can eat them, arrange them, use them but it it can in turn be consumed by them, rearranged by them and used by them. This was the secret trade off I made when I jumped in the rupa suit. I was so unhappy when I got a huge infection on my face, but I signed-up for such risks with my body rental agreement — a bacteria, a 4e arrangement, can consume my 4es, it can rearrange them to create a sore on my face. My 4es can push the petal on a car and drive somewhere, but I can also be crushed by a car that rolls over me.

• 4th aggregate: imagination (#4) sells the ownership lie — I went to a historic house tour in SF. When I entered the house,  I couldn’t see the owner. I couldn’t tell get who they were based on their furniture or art. When I think of my own house, the only reason I believe the art on the walls or furniture says anything about me is because #3 (memory) and  #4 (imagination) tells backstories of each painting, each chair, how it got there, what it is “clearly” saying/proving. #4 ignores all the times mine doesn’t reflect me, it convinces me the times my kitchen is clean are normal and the dirty moments a fluke. The thing is, if #4 is the one doing all the work here then I, myself, clearly isn’t in the rupa, the arrangement isn’t the arranger.

• Compare it to kids — Never in this life have I wanted kids. I have always instinctively understood they are not their parent’s belongings. So I decided to use kids as a model to start running my other items through to disprove ownership.  Kids aren’t yours because they have their own fate, their own path in life that they will follow. They don’t become who you want them to become, they don’t do what you what you want them to do, they don’t reflect your ideas and values because they have their own. They don’t follow your rules. They are influenced by countless outside factors. You and they ride along the same bus for some time, but then you depart each other and go your own ways. You are really not on the same journey at all. I am, right now working to apply this logic to all my stuff. 

2. 2. Proving my rupa can and will break and/or change forms: 

• Internalizing breaks — I have been looking at actual examples of breaking and changing of my belongings and then internalizing them. Example: My tire got a nail in it last week and had to be replaced. I saw that the tire was subject to death because its arrangement of 4es was vulnerable to puncture, to having wind removed to the extent it was no longer a living tire any more. My body too is subject to puncture, to stabbing, to shooting. Such an injury can kill me too because it can change the form of my 4es to the extent I too no longer have liquid flow through my veins or have air move in my lungs.

 I have also thought about ways I am afraid of dying and have been proving those can happen to my 4es because I have seen similar causes of 4e deaths/changes in the world. So for example, I have thought about how infections can definitively spread and eat my 4es because I have watched magma flow from a volcano and seen a tree in my yard overtaken by blight (I have considered heart attack, shooting, stabbing, crushing, cancer, virus, etc.

• Examined my own 4es more closely — I have gone through every major body part and looked at its unique balance of 4es so I can think not just about my body as a whole, but about the arrangements of 4es for skin, lungs, hair, ears, etc.

• Bubbles and Anatta — I was thinking about bubbles the other day and realized that they are the perfect metaphor for the way the rupa world works. Their life/death cycle is so fast, it is so clear how they work. Bubbles are a 4e object born from pushing 4e soap solution through a 4e bubble wand. It seems like I am the great bubble master/creator because I blow the bubbles, but really anyone can blow bubbles, the wind can blow bubbles, the soap dispenser sometimes blows bubbles on its own.  Off bubbles go into world, some go high and some low, some are big and some small, some live a long time and others just a sec, but before long each and every bubble pops. For the time bubbles are in their bubbly shape, we call them bubbles (I finally understand what samutti is now), but if you look at a bubble, it is constantly shifting, it soapy, iridescent form changing, sliding over itself, moving. It is never just a single stable thing. Ultimately it pops, its form is decidedly not bubble any more, and its 4 eas return to the earth. I guess I am starting to see that all objects, ‘mine’ and otherwise are just like bubbles. I let duration and sammuti fool me into thinking they are otherwise and because I am fooled I cling to something that really can’t be clung to, that will definitely depart.  What is more, I use my objects to build status, to build wealth and pleasurable arrangements of 4es. But, ultimately bubbles tell the whole story. Up and down they float then die. Blow another round and the same thing will happen.

3. Testing if my rupa actually does what I think/imagine it does in relation to others. For how long/ under what circumstances:

• Porsche and on top and in control — even though I don’t even own that car anymore, I miss it. I viscerally remember what it felt like to be in the drivers seat; I felt like that car was the perfect image of an Alana who was on top of the world and in control of my life.  Except, of course when it wasn’t… when I pulled into a gas station in Soma (a bed neighborhood in SF) late at night and worried I was a target, when I tried to park away from the crowds at a work event so no one thought my organization was being excessive in their pay practices, when I went to retreat and  felt too flashy and conspicuous, but I only had one car to drive there… Only some of the time did it make me feel on top and in control then…

Even some of the time is hard to swallow when I think harder — one of the highest causes of death in my age group is car crashes. How can I feel like a car made me in control when statistically it is one of the most dangerous places in the world. Even if I was in total control, it just takes someone else who is not to hit and kill me. The idea of a car representing something it it is basically antithetical to is crazy.

• Virtuosi and its parallels in pretty and good — I went to the Symphony and they were playing with this super star mandolin player. He was amazing and got a standing ovation at the end. It made me realize, for some subset of people (like the classical music lovers in the hall), there was no denying that guy was a virtuosi. But, for all his effort and skill, for all the hours he spent honing his craft (karma) he was dependent on 4es to express his skill; an instrument, music, his hands. For some time, he could be amazing, but what happens when arthritis sets in or his mandolin breaks? In the concert hall he is the man, but what happens in the parking lot, at dinner, with folks who haven’t heard him play? He thinks his craft will yield a paycheck, but I am in the classical music business, I know that even the best of the best are having trouble selling tickets. The industry is dying, the audience aging — is this guy’s paycheck contingent on his playing alone, or does it need an audience and industry to support it (in other words factor or cause)?

My big identity issues are pretty and good. Both of these are traits, expressed via rupa, that I feel will get people to treat me well, to care for and love me and ultimately to help me build a perfectly arranged rupa world where everyone is living in Disney movie  peace and joy. But, what happens when my pretty fades (arthritis)? Even if I do something good and everyone who sees it thinks I’m awesome, what happens in the next scene with different people? What happens if folks also see me doing something bad like flipping off the honking cabbie in NY? Even if I were perfectly pretty or good, can it get me a ‘paycheck’, that thing I most want? I had a few guys I liked and persued before I met Eric. A few thought I was pretty and nice by their own admission, but that I was too much of a drama queen for their taste. In my mind, all these guys filled the care-giver/world builder hole in my heart, but I didn’t fit the partner shaped hole in theirs. My pretty/ good didn’t do what I wanted it to do.

• Is my goal even possible?  My great dream is some perfect harmony world, but it it even possible. I remember trading food bowls at retreat one year — a perfect meal for someone else was disgusting to me. It was the same story over and over from other participants. In my perfect world, everyone is happy and agreeing on my particular perfect arrangement of 4es, but it seems like everyone actually has their own preferred arrangement — how will everyone be happy with mine?

Eric and I went o this wildlife refuge where a bunch of animals roam free together in a vast nature park. But…its only herbivores, all the predatory animals live in separate enclosures elsewhere in the park. It seems like a predator free paradise at first, but because space is limited and there are no predators to control populations, forced birth control is used — do none of these animals want babies? They had a rare goose species so they were allowed to breed and then the goslings were taken away to populate other zoos. Each year when the goslings were taken the parent geese shriek and cry. Is it really a paradise? Can it be? Rupa is a closed system I think — some have to die/ be consumed to make room for and fuel what is new. How can I ever have a paradise where no one is hurt or dies?

•  Using Rupa to communicate with others is like a very fucked up game of telephone — as a kid we played this game, someone would whisper a phrase to the person next to them and the whisper would go down the line to the last person. It was always funny to hear how different the original phrase was from what came out at the end of the line. It seems to me that me using rupa to convey the identity that my #4 cooks-up is likely going just as sideways. The rupa, as we have already discussed is a rather imperfect representative, and then it needs to be sensed by others and run through their own 3s and 4s and then I need to read their response through different rupa…Its telephone — I really can’t ever trust that my messages have been absolutely received and they they will continue to be with every round.

•  No one else’s reaction to me proves anything innate about myself.  So this is a biggie which I understand is a little beyond the Sotapana contemplation, but it really needed to be dealt with because it was getting in the way…I was thinking about a time in high school, I was at a party and members of rival gangs where there and a fight broke out. Several members from both sides had been trying to date me, so I walked over, batted my eyelashes and broke up the fight. At the time I thought it proved I was good, I was pretty –I was in control and creating my Disney world– after all, those guys all did what I wanted. But when I think about it, those guys had their own agenda. They did what they wanted. Just like I was using those guys to confirm my special self, they wanted to date me, to use me, to confirm their own specialness. Can I really say that someone acting according to their own beliefs and desires proves something innate about me? I was not the cause (factor again).

When the people I love, Eric, my dad, love me back and care of me I take it as a sign that I am worthy of love and care, that I am a special person. The thing is, love is a whole lot like hunger; everyone who is hungry needs to eat. Sure, certain food is more palatable than other food, sure there is a range for people based on what they are used to, but at the end of the day, those starving will eat anything. I can’t know the state of hunger of those who care for me, so how can I assume that ‘my fulfilling them’ (i.e. getting them to love me) is some great commentary on me?

What I do know from Eric’s Japanese cooking kick is that the palate begins to crave what it is already used to. It becomes easier and easier to cook recipes and food types you are already cooking, techniques to make it delicious are on the brain, ingredients already in the cabinet. Momentum is strong to keep filling oneself with the same food type. But, back to the bubble — am I really still the same type of food as I was back when Eric and I started dating? Married? Just last year? How is it I am taking his love to reflect something steady and stable and awesome about me?

Several weeks after I had closed-out my exchange with Mae Neecha I went back to review our Line chat and see if I could squeeze any more wisdom juice out of it. I saw the following exchange:

A: I still think I can use my cute yellow purse to convince people of my awesomeness even if I don’t really control the bag itself.  Actually, I think I can convince some people some of the time. But that is enough…

MN: If its only true some of the time, then is it true?

And then it hit me…

Everything that is true in this world ( lowercase true not universally true i.e 3 conditions) is true some of the time.

I have been stuck thinking that because the yellow purse makes some folks think I’m awesome some of the time it proves something special about me. It proves I am a master of the universe, albeit in some limited and temporary way.

But, even stuff I think of as super true and widely accepted is still only sometimes true. My family and I all thought my Dad dying was bad. If we could undo we would. But does the person who got his job after he died think his death was bad? Bad was true, some of the time ( or in this case for some subset of folks).

If some of the time/in some ways/ for some people is a truth about the world, it doesn’t actually prove anything special about me. At most, I am a factor in buying the purse, a factor wearing it, a factor putting myself in an environment with folks likely to share my view it is cool, a factor in selling the message as part of a wider package( wardrobe, facial expressions, word choice, etc.) such that in any given case some folks might see purse and think awesome Alana for some moment in time. But I was never the cause. The cause is in impermanence/ two sidedness. So sometimes can’t be taken as evidence that I am avoiding the rules of the world some of the time. It isn’t evidence that with more effort/time/ tries I am going to finally succeed in making this world my bitch. It is evidence that my ‘success’ is just one, temporary, possibility of the world.

Actually, I can take the opposite perspective and see all the times my stuff proves I am not awesome/ special and master of perpetually arranging Rupa as I desire( i.e. this world is not my bitch): example– I think my apartment in SF proves I can control my life and arrange it as I want it to be, where I want to be. But, the only reason I have that apartment is my old SF life that I loved so much is gone. I chose to leave and ended up miserable. So how can the tool I am using to allay some of that misery and loss (not even all of it) prove I am master of my life and universe?

So I guess the simple answer to Mae Neecha’s question is that if something is true some of the time, it is not true some of the time. Which is actually proof that impermanence is the real master of this universe, not me. Just need more evidence…

A note from present day Alana — writing this now I see an additional angle that I missed so here are a few more thoughts on the ridiculousness of using a ‘sometimes success’ to prove a permanent Awesome Alana…Spoiler alert, the endeavor is built on a foundation spoiled at the core by a wrong view.

Over the summer, back when my contemplation were fast and furious (that is the period this ‘Interruption’ series is covering) I kept getting stuck on the fear that because of my practice I was going to loose something important to me — my life with Eric. I was looking at a picture and I realized that my ‘life with Eric’ was an idea, a film reel in my head of he and I driving, top down, along the California coast, listening to music, holding hands and laughing. It was a compilation of several trips, several memories we had together. As I laid in bed in Connecticut I realized that the life that I am so afraid of losing is already gone. The car is sold, the towns we drove through fire ravished, the joke we laughed at long ago forgotten. My fear of ‘loosing’ began to ebb as I understood that what I clung to was just a memory of the past and a hope for a future that looks the same way. What I came to understand is that the particulars of the past can never ever be the same in the future; causes, conditions and circumstances are continually changing.

The exercise of using a purse to prove Awesome Alana, even just some of the time, suffers a fundamental flaw at the root — what I believe ‘proves’ awesomeness now is based on what I perceived to have worked in proving awesomeness in the past. The problem (which is clear in my imagined life with Eric) is that the future arises from different causes than any instance in the past and yet I expect exactly the same results. This is why there are never any guarantees about what the future holds.

Circumstances are always changing, arrangements in the past can’t ever be the exact arrangement again..and yet that is what I depend on to defend my notion of my identity. Alana is built on an already shifting, crumbling, changing foundation and yet I expect her to be steady state.

A Post ‘Course Correction’ Plan for Further Progress

A: I think I have a plan for right now:

1) look for evidence that shit doesn’t turn out like I expect and see both sides/full picture more clearly ( example: the restaurant we are on last night had good food, but the seat cushions were all stained and it disgusted me).

2) look specifically at my belongings. What are their nature (4e) where do they come from, go, how do we depart from each other.

3) In what circumstances and for how long can I use these items? How am I a factor in relation to them and how are they factors in determining my beliefs and actions.

4) Can I prove my perception of an item (as pretty/ making me pretty) is not universal. Even in the subset of people who seem to share my perception does it have the effect I want( just because someone sees me as pretty are they nice to me, do they want to care for me, are they moved to hold my hand and join me in creating a stable harmonious environment?)

5) Since I am so good at seeing what problems an item solves (sometimes) can I see the problems it creates and their connection. This one I think may be a biggie. I am watching a show and there is a character who has been kidnapped to be part of a military test because she has a rare Gene mutation. One of the soldiers tries to save her because she is cute and looks like his daughter. Typical Alana would see this as proof the  cute works to protect and is necessary. But  last night I started thinking — how did she get into the kidnapped situation that her cuteness got her out of in the first place? Genetic condition, Rupa. The downside proof is literally in the pudding, Unjust never look.

Anyway, I’m just going to keep pushing, especially on the sotapana stuff. If it’s ok, I’ll reach out if I get stuck.

Right now just trying to hit self and self belonging hard. I feel it is doable. With the 4elements piece I am truly starting to understand.

Before, I could say shit wasn’t mine till the cows came home, but it didn’t help. I assume because I didn’t actually understand why. Now though, I am starting to see that shit can’t be mine because it had its own rules that it follows, they aren’t mine. Shoes, food, my body, same basic composition, same basic rules ( change form when the causes for for changing have been met). Under certain circumstances, for some period, I can be a factor and possibly get an outcome I want ( imagine) from them. But I have been mistaking my plants perking up when I water them as a sign they somehow respond to me, grow because of me, worship me. But it’s just a factor, sure plants need water, but they need so much more. And sure I can water them, but some can the sky, or someone else. Their little perking up is not a confirmation that they love/need/ worship/ prove specialness in me.

Plus, ultimately like two travlers on the same bus for a bit, I’ll go my way and my shit will go its way. I

MN: Im happy to hear that your practice is balancing out. This is why Luang Por told Mae Yo, “rupa and nama, 50/50” once we understand the tangible and intangible, we’ll have the whole picture

This blog is a direct continuation of the 6^th, so if you haven’t covered it yet, please head back there to read that one first. In that blog we explored how rupa forms the foundation for concepts like love, hate, goodness, cleanliness, etc.  We left off with a simple question I had for Mae Neecha: What is the rest of the story?

Here we will recap a bit and then launch into ‘the rest of the story’, which really amounts to the way these contemplations about the relationship between rupa and nama tie back into my broader practice that focuses on the 3 common characteristics (suffering, impermanence, no self) and the eradication of wrong views. This blog here is the culmination of the  ‘course correction’ Mae Yo and Mae Neecha felt I needed; an equilibrium between Nama and Rupa, the inside world and the outside world, from the perspective of my practice.

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A: Ok, I see that we love in a Rupa world. Rupa is the foundation for the world, the things I do in it and what I believe. As a resident in the Rupa world I am at most a factor, causes are in the Rupa itself.

But that isn’t the whole story…if I get a hot meal it is the hot meal that triggers my view/belief that I am loved and cared for. I use the Rupa as proof…

But then, I don’t think the cause of my view is the Rupa, I think the Rupa is a factor. If it were the cause, my views would be born out in the real world and I think we have established they’re not, after all I hate NY because it exposed a rendition of Rupa I don’t and to see/believe exists.

What is the rest of the story?

MN: The rupa/tangibles serve as “proof” of that “love.” The “hot meals” represent being cared for. However, there is actually nothing other than the 4E in that rupa of “hot meal.”

The stimuli (“hot meal”) being processed in the #2, #3, #4, #5 intangible nama factory is how the label/identity/notion comes about.

MN: Cause and foundation are different, yes?

Rupa is at the foundation, not the cause, of view. Rupa doesn’t actually do anything. The intangible nama is where the cause is generated.

Example: We are built out of the 4E so we are subject to the birth, aging, sickness, and death of all 4E. In an effort to live in comfort and safety (to protect our 4E body and our 4E belongings), we desire shelter. Figuring out that we want security and shelter is a nama process (cold or hot being a negative feeling and being covered/sheltered being a positive feeling, sanna: memory of having shelter or being taught the necessity of shelter, sankhara:  imagining shelter solving discomfort, vinnana: seeing a structure and processing it a candidate for shelter, etc).

But the embodiment of that shelter is a 4E structure. Without the rupa, there would be no shelter. But the rupa doesn’t cause it. It is only the medium for the desire to come to fruition.

This of it like this, rupa is money. Paper money doesn’t actually cause anything. But it is the foundation for everything: love, happiness, survival, sadness, grudges, appreciation, etc

A: All of this makes sense…but what is the cause of a wrong view?

MN: Permanence in the process of the intangible aggregates. Not seeing the entire picture, being limited to only our own views

A: Got it nama is the cause, but how does my imagination get me so far from the Rupa rules? That I think I can keep my kitchen perpetually clean when it goes through cycles of clean and dirty as part of it’s function?

Do I just take one snapshot –clean — and imagine it is possible to will it (cause it) to remain?

Crap, I think I am so busy hoping/wanting/ willing/ working to uphold  my vision of the world that I just pretend the real version doesn’t exist.

I now see the rules of 4 Es (that everything is subject to decay, changes, arising and ceasing) governs the Rupa of my. Body, belongings and other physical stuff in the world.

I guess I am trying to square all this with my own views (slightly more clear) and then how I interact with other peeps who have their own views.

Where should I go from here?

MN: I think, go back to our conversations since your being in the zone and see if there’s anything that still isnt clear to you. See whether you still think the same way, or if anything has shifted, and if so, what and why?

A: (Here it is Dear Reader – a neat little tie-up of what I had learned thus far/ the culmination of my much needed course correcting) Well one thing that has definitely shifted is I see the real world and my cartoon overlay are connected, not separate, so I am a factor in my Mom’s feelings. Also that  exactly what configuration of 4es I call pretty and the meaning I assign it may be in my heart, but the configuration itself and my ability to sense it and the perceptible range for a human and the real world experience that acclimate me to a certain arrangement over another are all in the Rupa.

I do see more clearly now why the backpack on the floor is real and made of 4e, but the designation of mine is in fact in my heart. Just starting to feel like if the bag is made of 4e and has to follow the 4e rules and not my rules, it can’t really belong to my heart world (nama).

My heart actually depends on the Rupa of the bag to “claim it” but the bad doesn’t depend on my nama to have an identity or to operate as bags operate.

I suppose someone’s nama somewhere came up with the idea to arrange the 4es of a bag as a bag, but they could only do it because it was within the scope of allowable arrangements of 4es.

I want to say now that Rupa isn’t in nama and nama isn’t in Rupa. But nama uses Rupa to enter this world and spin it’s tall tales. Maybe more clearly Rupa is not controlled by nama and nama is not controlled by Rupa (otherwise all views would be aligned with the actual Rupa world). But nama uses Rupa to feed itself and to reinforce it’s own version of ‘reality’.

I guess I am seeing the rules of Rupa quite clearly now:

• All Rupa is made of particular arrangements/ proportions of 4e
• 4e can act within the boundaries its particular configuration allows and some adaptation, within limits, is possible. So a bird can fly, a fish can swim, a human can hold their breaths and can practice to lengthen exactly how long they can hold it for.
• ultimately all 4es change configuration/proportions. Or they die or decay or get reconfigured or absorbed by other 4es.

A: But what are the rules for nama? So far I can guess —  nama relies on 4 Es to activate and feed it. Nama must be subject to change because my thoughts do change.

What else am I missing here???

MN: Everything in this world is subject to suffering, impermanence, and non-self – including nama. Our suffering comes from not wanting it to change or not allowing it to take its natural shifting course.

A: I feel like maybe if I can see the whole picture more clearly I can start understanding karma ( which I am guessing is the umbrella rule for everything) . There is definitely a massive hole in my understanding of karma.

If I were to diagnose my most basic problem right now, it would be that I have seen folks be nice to me because they like my stickers or boobs or purse. I have been able to buy comfort and safety with money. I’m not dumb, I know it doesn’t work every time, but I feel without these things it can’t ever work at all. And I want to be liked, to have comfort and safety.

Some little wisdom angel on my shoulder is whispering, “Alana if you want to be liked and to have comfort and safety all the time, you are in the wrong world”.

But ignorant Alana can’t get past the fact that  it works some of the time ( with a fat helping of 3s and 4s to add a dash of cover-up and lipstick to all the situations)  and since I am a factor maybe I can get it to work more of the time. If I just bring the massive force of my will to bear…

Crap, not sure yet how I am going to get out of this mess. Maybe if I understand karma? The fact that I am a factor throws me…after all, if it never worked this would be game over.

Or maybe I just need more evidence that shit won’t turn out how I want it to. After all, the past is gone, I am living for the future and only if that future is within the bounds of what I want will accept it to be.

But, anything is possible (need more proof) and even if my factorness is powerful enough to  get what I want my desires and the situations and objects keep changing.

MN: Anumodana with your progress, especially over the past couple of days.

I’d suggest looking for concrete evidence, coming up with more questions and answers, and testing theories.

Keep in mind to incorporate rupa into your nama-heavy contemplations, and to keep it simple and straightforward (illiterate villager level)