May 2019 – Alana's Dharma Blog

A New Layer of That Old Suffering

May 31, 2019 alana Comments 0 Comment

As I was reviewing past notes, I came across a teaching from LP Thoon that had always really moved me — it is a story in which he instructs a man named Singh on a specific set of contemplations/questions that ultimately result in Singh becoming a Stream Enterer. After re-reading the story, I had a new set of insights on the way my objects cause me suffering. Those insights are presented in the blog below. For those of you who want a recap of the Singh teaching beforehand you can find it in the blog Get Your Grimey Hands off My Teacup.

For a while now I have considered the suffering it takes to acquire an object, to maintain it and then the sorrow I feel when I lose it. But now I see that there is a deeper layer of suffering that lies in my obsession with my objects — my objects force me to come back for them, they continually reignite the cycle of acquisition and loss. My objects are the seeds for my rebirth.

Take my purses for example. I didn’t used to be a purse girl, I used to get by carrying stuff in a backpack, a tote or just my hands. But then I started getting fancier, richer, dressing better, becoming a fashionista, and for a fashionista, carrying my crap around in a recycled grocery bag just wouldn’t do. So I bought a purse, a nice designer one. I worked to find just the right purse (suffering of acquiring); I obsessed over keeping it nice, storing it right, getting it repaired and resealed and never letting it touch the ground (suffering of maintaining); and when it finally did wear out I was super sad (suffering of loss). And maybe, just maybe, if it all stopped there I would say it was worth the effort, worth the loss to enjoy that purse for a time. But, it didn’t end there…

Enter the deeper layer of suffering; that broken worn-out purse forced me right back to the mall to buy a new one. Now that I was a purse girl, I couldn’t imagine going back, becoming less, so I had to replace the bag with a new one that was at least as nice or better. And when I couldn’t find just what I was looking for I went on a quest, an internet scavenger hunt to replace the bag –to buy as many more as I could– so that I was prepared, that I could do better, the next time it broke.

I think I am in control of my objects. I think I pick out the purse, I manage the bank account, I own the house. But the truth is my shit bullies me. It forces me, it pushes me, it moves me around like a chess piece. Is this seriously how I want to live? My stuff is like an abusive relationship. I want to think that if a person tried to control me, constantly making demands of me, not loving me back, I would dump them. But then I thought about my ex — Thomas…

Thomas was super hot, super funny, super likable and super smart. He also, often, treated me like shit. No he didn’t beat me, or yell at me, but he did belittled me, ignore me, toss me aside when it was convenient for him. So why did I stay with him for so long? It seems to me there were 2 main reasons: 1) I built an identity as his girlfriend — had become his girlfriend, I defined myself in relation to him, I wasn’t as pretty or as funny or as smart as him, but by having him on my arm I could prove my worth, my value, I could own his good qualities as my very own. What would everyone think if we broke-up? How would it reflect on me if I couldn’t keep a guy like that around?What kind of woman/girlfriend would I be if I just broke it off? 2) I imagined things would get better in the future. I thought that I could change, I could make him change, if I just exerted enough control it would be perfect.

It seems though that the very same delusions that kept me tied to Thomas shape my expectations for, and attachment to, my objects.

1: Objects Build Identity — That purse was the cherry on top of my fashionista identity. All together, each dress, shoe, belt, purse makes me buttoned-up, in control of my image, in control of how others view and judge me. Sure I have never been perfectly skinny, perfectly beautiful, but when I walk into a room with that purse on my arm it proves my worth, my value, I can own its beauty and status as my own. If suddenly I went back to wearing grocery bags what would people think of me then? How much of a loser would I look like, to let my image slip, to become so careless and junkie? But does a purse really do all that I imagine? There have already been contemplations of black boots, pink skirts and green purses — none can control other people’s thoughts, none can make me a thing when these very things go and fade.

Back when I was a kid, right through my finishing grad school, my father paid for everything. He was rich and I never wanted for anything; his money made me feel like I had financial cushion, like I was safe. But after I graduated my dad cut me off. I had been rich but was suddenly poor. If the money were really mine, if I could own its qualities, how could I go from rich to poor?

In fact, sometime my objects, which I think are busy making me what I want to be are actually having the opposite effect. Remember my mooching friends Sandy and Blake? I want so badly to be a good friend, a good person, but my desire to protect my bank account made me a selfish friend. When my clothes don’t fit I look in the mirror and am reminded of my lack of control, of my failings to discipline my body, to manage my life. And let us not forget that time my pants split and a big gaping hole in my ass made me the least fashionable person in the room. And so, its back to the mall I go for new pants, new clothes, new purses, which brings me to…

2: Things Will be Better in The Future — Yes, I know that purse wore-out, but that is why I bought 6 more just like it. So next time I am prepared, next time will beat the purse reaper. The future, through the sheer force of my will, will be different. But it never seems to work because with each purse that wears or dress that gets too tight I am forced right back to the mall, not just to buy another object, but to reassert the control that object going and breaking cost me.

Ultimately, I did break-up with Thomas. I was just tired of loving someone who didn’t seem to love me back, who couldn’t fulfill my needs, who let me down everytime. Phra Ajan Daeng once warned me: All the objects in this world I am so obsessed with aren’t obsessed with me back. So why do I keep on loving them when they hurt me, when they bully, and push and abuse?

The Making of Mineness

May 24, 2019 alana Comments 0 Comment

My car had to go to the garage for servicing so the garage offered to let me borrow one of their loaner cars until mine was ready for pickup. I gave them a credit card, I signed the paperwork, I took the keys and before I knew it I was cruising down highway 101 on my way back home. The car I borrowed was the same make as my own and I noticed quite quickly how easy it was to get used to; all the buttons and signals on the dashboard looked just like the ones in my car, it had all the same features, the seats felt the same, the car performed the same, it was just like my car and yet … despite all the similarities, the rental car just didn’t feel like mine in my heart. For this Dharma practitioner an obvious question popped into my head — WHY?? And so I began, by process of elimination, to reason through exactly why I felt so differently about my car and a rental.

Its not the function — My car was broken, the rental worked fine. The rental was what was letting me get home, move around town, go on with my life. It was serving me. Meanwhile my own car was miles away, useless to me. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that mine was mine and the rental was theirs.

Its not the duration — I knew full well I was only going to be driving the rental for a few days at most. Perhaps it was duration that made it seem less minely…but I considered dresses I had bought to wear just once, to a gala or special occasion, with the full intention to consign or give them away right afterwards. These were clothes that were with me for only a few short days and yet when I bought them, while I wore them, when I looked at post event pictures, the dresses felt like mine. Mine is clearly not about time…

Its not the formality, the responsibility or the exchange of money — For both my car and the rental, I signed all the right papers, I exchanged money, I assumed legal responsibility. In the eyes of the law, while I was in possession of the rental I had permission to use it and liability for its safe operation and return. All the Is were dotted and Ts crossed for my car and the rental alike and yet, the rental just didn’t feel like mine in the same way as my own car.

It doesn’t live in the object – Clearly I know that ‘minenss’ can’t live in an object; its not like when they take apart the car at the garage they are going to find that little part that is the origin of mine. I had stayed in a hotel recently and someone had accidentally barged into the room we were staying in, I felt so violated, like my space, my room was invaded. And yet, when I checked-out and saw the maid going to clean the room I felt nothing at all. Same room, but no longer mine, so mine wasn’t in the space. Perhaps though it was in the expectation, the norm …

Its not about social norms — Ah, but everyone knows a rental is a rental and what you buy is yours, maybe mine is in what is the accepted consensus, what is normal. Only just the other day I had been in a coffee shop when a guy left without his hat. He didn’t return for a few minutes so someone else walked-up, grabbed the hat, and said “mine now”. I remember thinking that what he did was stealing, the hat wasn’t his, but he thought it was, he said it was, he walked away with it. If ‘mine’ were somehow a norm it would be well, normal and agreed upon. The truth there are wars over territory different people think of as ‘theirs’, there are divorces and patent disputes and countless cases where mine isn’t clear, its not agreed upon as a social norms, it depends entirely on the perspective of the claimant. Which brings me to…

Its all in my head — I got to thinking back to a recent contemplation on smoking where I saw so clearly that my beliefs around the acceptability of smoking in public came down to me, what I wanted, what I believed. Back when I smoked I thought smoking in public was a right, after all the space was public. After I quit and got asthma, I started thinking smoking in public is wrong because the space is public and smoking interferes with people’s ability to share and enjoy the space. The point here is — I make-up the criteria about smoking, about standards. Maybe, just maybe, I am the one that makes up the criteria for mineness as well… after all, its not the function, the duration, the object, the legality or the norm: What else is there really except for what I believe?

I think that hunk of metal, uselessly sitting in a shop out there is mine. I think it exists to do my bidding (ironic since it is in the shop broken) to keep me safe, to get me around in style. I think that it reflects me, that it proves something about me –its a Porsche after all– it proves I am a Porsche owner, that I did it, I deserve it, it is an extension of me. But I just can’t feel that way about a rental, it proves nothing other than that I rented a car, so it is not mine, my mind just can’t go through the mental gymnastics it takes to ‘mine-ify’ the rental. But 2 cars, functionally the same — is it possible for 1 of them to make me a thing, to become my thing, when the other cannot?

On Self Reliance

May 17, 2019 alana Comments 0 Comment

As I started the process of organizing my thoughts, my notes and my stories to write this blog, something became abundantly clear: My practice is a path, it has a particular progression to it.

I suppose, on some level, I always understood that practice wasn’t just a random series of flashes from the darkness. But, it wasn’t until I started to really outline the first chapters of this blog that I saw that new stories built on old stories, new skills and tools built off the ability to use old ones. Crazy… it’s like cause and effect are real and they are playing out in my Dharma practice!! It was this insight, that practice builds on itself, that dove me to create the blog you are reading now — a more-or-less linear series of entries that capture the progression of my practice, that paint an ongoing story about what it means for me to walk this path.

This insight about the linear-ish nature of my practice was also a real confidence booster for me: For years I fretted over what would happen if my practice “went off the rails”, If Mae Yo wasn’t there anymore to guide me, if I got so lost I couldn’t see my way out (see the blog Mae Yo Q and A). Mae Yo told me I had to be self reliant, that I already was self reliant, that I just needed to keep relying on myself the same way I had up to this point in my practice. I smiled and nodded at her wisdom and then silently kept panicking.

But with this blog, the evidence was laid out plain to see — I had in fact slowly and steadily built up understanding, used old conclusions as scaffolding for what came later. Shortly after I started this blog I was speaking with Mae Yo and she told me I had all that I needed already in order to figure out how to get myself free. Finally, I believed her. For better or worse, no one can free me but myself…here’s to self reliance.

New Beginnings: Life as a Dharma Blogger

May 10, 2019 alana Comments 0 Comment

Once I had decided to become a Dharma Blogger, I faced an interesting question: What the heck was I going to write about? I started by going back through my very first notebook: reviewing, rehashing, rewriting old stories to turn them into blogs. As I immersed myself in all the old stuff, something crazy happened, I started powerfully seeing so much new stuff in all my old stories; it was like my practice was supercharged, like I was looking at everything I thought I understood with new, fresh eyes.

This next chapter is going to share some of the insights that came-up for me as I prepared the outline and the earliest entries of this blog. As you will soon see Dear Reader, one topic in particular that took on a great deal more clarity when I began to write this blog is Rupa.

Mae Yo always told me to think about Rupa (form); it is after all the foundation of birth in this realm, the starting point for every problem, and a clear understanding of it is the key to attaining the first level of enlightenment. In the early days of my practice I really did try, as instructed, to consider Rupa in each of my stores. Unfortunately, I kinda sucked at it. As I went back to the oldest stores and the oldest instructions I was given by Mae Yo, I was lead right back to Rupa again, this time finding a clarity I simply didn’t have before.

So, as you peak into the earliest days of my life as a Dharma Blogger, be on the look-out for my own personal come-back kids…all those old themes taking on a brand new beginning.

Intermezzo 2: What is Sammutti

May 3, 2019 alana Comments 0 Comment

Dear Reader — this is the second of two exchanges with Neecha that took place around the Dharma Meltdown period which I would like to share prior to entering the next ‘chapter’ of this blog. The entry here is a question about a Buddhist concept called Sammutti, or ‘conventional forms’.

I was helping LP Anan edit his new translation of the Uturn sermon and it prompts me to ask, about a term/concept from the sermon: The term is Sammutti, usually translated as “conventional forms”. I think I have some sense of what Sammutti is, which I will outline below, I was hoping you could just double-check that I am in the ballpark and not missing anything big…

What Sammutti is:

My sense is that Sammutti, “conventional forms” is actually a set of views that we hold that create the scaffolding upon which we build our perception of ourselves and the world –it is what gives meaning to our experiences. So its stuff like language, or money, or social conventions such as a smile. A $10 bill isn’t really a thing that holds any innate value, the word “fun” doesn’t actually mean the same thing to you and me, a smile also doesn’t have the same meaning across person, time and space. Sammutti is clearly not ultimately true, but we forget that…when we don’t really consider Sammutti, we take it as true and we rely on it to navigate our lives, to manage our social relationships, to build our sense of self (more on that later).

Moreover, Sammutti seems to be shared with a group, some subset of people we surround ourselves with. Even though, of course, our understanding of Summutti and theirs aren’t actually the same, the shared culture and experiences we base our memory on are close enough that there is overlap. Enough overlap generally that we imagine that we are speaking about the same thing when we say fun, or that $10 has the same value to each of us, or that I can be confident in how I interpret your smile. The seeming sharedness actually reinforces my view of Sammutti as true; it is something I use as evidence to sell myself the lie it is universal.

Sammutti and the Self:

So we basically use Sammutti to build our sense of self. Without some convention, some scaffolding, I couldn’t imagine a self I want, a self that is better than others, a self that other people agree is great and reinforce. For example, I want to be beautiful, but beauty only has meaning in terms on Sammutti..in terms of how I define it, and how those around me define it as well (therefore reinforcing the definition I hold in my head). Or I want to be compassionate, again, this gets based on how I see my actions and how I think others precise them as well — in order to be beautiful, rich, compassionate or any other self, I need a yardstick..one that I think is true and one which I feel is also generally accepted outside myself.

But Self itself is sort of Sammutti –it is something we name, something we project, something we see as solid and contestant, but in truth is is constantly changing. Its not really a mass at all, its a collection of ideas, of memories and imaging and feelings and form..but we tell a story of unity, of structure, of singularity..we mistake some type of continuity as real intentness, as a soul, a self. Society, our friends, family, enemies, they treat us as a self as a singular always the same entity and as such, they reinforce.

Clarifying question: What exactly is the relationship between Sammutti and the aggregate of imagination? Is sammutti actually something we imagine ..but more of a shared delusion?

The role of Sammitti in practice:

My sense is that Sammitti is like soil, a base in this world — if you plant wisdom seeds in it wisdom grows. If you plant defilement seeds in it defilement grows. So, if we use these ideas we have about the world, these balls of solidness (self, other, thing, etc.) and use them to contemplate the 3 characteristics we can be free (I’m guessing Impermanence especially here can help with the problem of the illusion of solid thingness that happens as a result of continuous connected rising and falling??). We can, I suspect, see Sammutti for what it is, a convenient illusion, a convention to name, to categorize, to function in the world, as opposed to an actually real thing.

Anyway, I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead and ask if there is anything further to consider on this. I know this topic is definitely like opening up a watch casing and seeing how the parts move..quite complicated. Still..having a sense of memory and imagination really helped me start to structure my practice. Considering the centrality of the role of Sammutti in this sermon, I wanted to think it through and clarify so I could add this piece as well. Sometimes, for me, taking a step back and seeing the gears move, it really helps my understanding.

Neecha’s Reply:

Sammuti is like “pretend” or “suppose” in thai. Like when we say, “sammuti wa chun pai bahn khun,…” (pretend, i were to go to your house,…) In a dhamma sense it means supposed or conventional forms…the terms we use to refer to something just so we can communicate and make sense. so we know we’re talking about the same thing. “suppose we call this X,” then we’re basically sammuti-ing that “X” is the name for that form.

Sammuti and 4s depend on one another.

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