Alana's Dharma Blog

Mini Retreat Day had arrived and, encouraged by my grapes Ubai and my Outline to Enlightenment, I decided to put my big girl pants on and attend. Those pants however were not white. Instead, I wore pale beige – something I hoped was modest, appropriate and respectful, but not the white of the precept takers because I still didn’t feel ready to take those vows.

The first night went smoothly enough, but trouble started in the morning. After a sermon LP Anan sent us into the park to spend some time contemplating on our own. I sat down on a tree trunk and wrote furiously in my notebook. When I got up and looked down, I saw I had dirt and tree bark all over my beige pants. I freaked the fuck out!

In those stained pants I saw ‘evidence’ of my own unworthiness a practioner. It was proof I didn’t belong. I already knew I wasn’t ready to wear white, but I couldn’t even manage the care and precision required to keep beige clean…what hope did I have of ever being ready, pure, worthy enough for white? This dirty Alana outside was just a metaphor for a dirty Alana inside and here it was, my dirtiness, exposed for all to see and to judge.

In that moment I was ready to run, to quit, to slip away quietly and never ever go back to the Wat again. And I probably would have except…years ago, I made a promise to Mae Yo and Neecha, I promised that if I was ever thinking of quitting my practice I would talk to them first. Ugh, promises, but I do try to keep mine, so I headed back inside to find Neecha for a chat.

I managed to make it as far as siting down face-to-face with Neecha before I burst out into tears. Wailing about how unworthy I am, how bad a Buddhist I am, what a failure it is that I can’t /won’t take the 8 precepts, I pointed to my pants as proof of all this…

Once I had calmed down, Neecha and I started to talk. She offered me a few thoughts off the bat:

1. told me to look at who else isn’t taking the precepts this weekend – several other strong, well respected practioners, including Neecha herself, had chosen to forego the precepts for this retreat. Each person had their reasons – needing to be flexible for others, family commitments etc. Fine I accepted, but pushed back that my reasons (not being ready) felt less worthy, less legit.
2.  Neecha went on to explain that truthfulness/ keeping your word are important trait for a practioner. That I take vow taking seriously isn’t necessarily the mark of a ‘Bad Buddhist.’ This started making me feel a little better, so she when on…
3. What exactly is a ‘Bad Buddhist’ anyway she asked? Sure, if it is coming to the Wat every Sat and taking the precepts then perhaps I was a bad Buddhist, if it is doing the work to discover the truth of this world in my everyday life than perhaps I wasn’t such a bad Buddhist afterall. There are as many definitions as there are people to define, why an I so stuck on just one definition – the vow taking, temple going, superhero? And why should I let myself feel forced to become it if its not my definition/what I want?
4. She also reminded me that neither her, nor MaeYo had always looked the part of the perfect Buddhists either; I did recall stories I had heard of way back, before I started coming to the Wat, of a much harsher Mae Yo and Neecha.

By this point, I had started seeing the contours of some of my wrong views just enough that  made another promise – I would go home and really consider this issue before I turned-in my Buddhist resignation letter. Clearly, I didn’t end-up resigning so stay tuned…

So Dear Reader, in case you have not already noticed, I am a woman who likes control. And what better way is there to control than having a plan 😉? Obviously, this blog is filled with stories about my lack of control –of my best laid plans ruined by all sorts of stuff. But, being a planner isn’t all bad, it has helped me be a systematic thinker, an outliner, a big/small picture integrater. Its no surprise that at a time I really felt my practice was shaky, out of my control, I decided to ‘take stock’, review a little, and come-up with what (at the time) I felt was a solid outline to enlightenment. The blog below is a copy of that outline, which at the time served an important function of restoring a bit more confidence to my practice.

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I. Truth of Suffering: The life I have/world isn’t that awesome

          A. Impermanence

                    1.  Even awesome shit I have dies and fades

                      2. The way I perceive this world, the way I remember it and imagine it is not accurate. Its one sided. I have the false permanent that my current perspective is right and fixed

                    3.   My control to get the outcome I want is limited too. When my wants change, things change, items change, circumstances change, how can I be in control? Deeper still: Everything arises based on a cause. Causes are a countless number of factors that come together. The factors each are fleeting, humans are but a single one, we are not omniscient or powerful enough to change, alter and control them all. This is why ultimately I  can’t control.  It defies the law of cause and effect.

          B. Suffering

                      1 Is it worth it? How much does it cost me to stay in this world? What is the pain to pleasure trade-off? Can I see the way the pain contours the pleasure? Even Buddha could not separate sukkah from dukkah so he returned Sukkah to its rightful owner–Dukkah.

                      2 Am I really going to “get something new” next time? I need to kill the hope. The hope for some great lifetime free of suffering or of some perfect world. Some time/space, where even if there is suffering, its controlled, hedged, I manage the type, the extent.

II. Enlightenment — no matter how much it freaks me out, feels unattainable or I am not ready for it — is not the problem

           A.   Just because enlightenment is is an unknown state, it doesn’t mean I need to feel so afraid of it. Specifically, there is no necessary reason to fear that by becoming enlightenment I will just lose myself and what I love (after all, Mae Yo and Neecha still have their family)

                    1 Gather evidence to see that in the past I have encountered unknowns and they weren’t all bad. For example, when I moved away from Texas I was so sad/afraid. I didn’t want to leave the temple, the house, my life and friends. But now, in SF I am so much happier and better off.  I found a Dharma path that works so much better for me. I have a nicer home, better job, new friends, etc.

                    2 Examine if keeping my sense of “myself” intact and as it is is actually so desirable — Back when I had a more troubled relationship with my Mom I felt like I had to defend “myself”; the relationship had to be on my terms, I had to stand my ground and not yield at all. But as the relationship has improved I am open to new terms and  don’t need to fixate on self protection all the time. Things are so much smoother now.

                   3  Consider the possibility that the life/perspective that I have now may be what I’m used to, but its not necessarily ‘normal’. It is true I don’t know how to be any other way, but does that make the way I am acceptable/preferable? What about people who live in war, poverty, illness and know nothing else — is it better for them to remain in circumstances they are used to just because they are used to it?  Blindness ts not the preferred state,  but if someone has been blind all their life should they want to stay that way just because it is what they are used to?

B. Overcome the idea I’m innately  not worthy of enlightenment.. That I simply am incapable of getting there

1 Don’t worry about If I’m there yet, good enough, dharmaey enough, they are my terms, they are my standards. Just do it ..follow the guide, change my views, and the results will come. It will look like whatever it does.  Its not really about me at all…It’s the nature of things. Remember when Neecha compared becoming a sotapana to putting on glasses when you need them: Once the glasses are on, I will see more clearly, it is just a matter of cause and effect.

 

It was a beautiful sunny afternoon and Eric and I decided to go for a drive to Napa. We were cruising along, top down, and I noticed the usually lovely, leafy vines were pretty barren. “Ah, of course, its winter” I thought to myself. Its not yet the time for grapes.

Suddenly, an image –- an ubai — popped into my head, of a farmer standing in the fields yelling at the grapes: “Grow little grapes. Grow damn you!” he screamed. “I water you, I fertilize you, I keep the pests away, do your fucking job and grow already!”

“Ha, stupid farmer I thought”.  Up until I realized, that farmer is me, and that monster voice that lives in my head. My monster is telling me to be ready to ordain, or at least take the 8 precepts. It says, “Grow Alana. Grow Damn You! You have been practicing for years, you have gone to retreats, teachings, you keep your notebook and do your homework, so now go get fucking enlightened already.“

Obviously, the idea of a farmer yelling at their crops is ridiculous. A farmer’s job is to do their best to help their crops grow. But, after they have watered and fertilized and pest protected, a farmer’s job is done.  A grape will ultimately ripen in its own time, according to factors way outside of a farmers control. All the yelling in the world simply won’t help.

Why should I think an Alana, moving toward the ripening of my dharma path, is any different?

Not being ready isn’t an indictment, it is not proof that a grape is a bad grape or that an Alana is a bad Buddhist. It is simply a particular state, an unripe state, that is subject to change when the circumstances are right. And, just like a farmer yelling at a grape isn’t going to make it ready to harvest any sooner, my monster yelling at me is not going to make my wisdom ripen any faster.

But, there is another side – that of the grapes themselves (versus of the farmer/monster yeller). I am so concerned that a friend, or a teacher, will push me too far. Demand more than I can give and somehow force me to be more Buddhisty than I am ready to be. But, for all the farmer’s yelling, the grapes go unchanged. The truth is, no one has ever changed my heart, made me other than what I am, until I was ready for a change. Trust me, I would have quit smoking years before I did if someone else was able to change my heart…This fear that someone really could push me beyond where I am ready to go ignores the basic principles of cause and effect. Plus, would it really be so bad if my friends and teachers could just push me into enlightenment? Just one little shove…

And with these thoughts, the monster quieted down and took a little time-out. So stay tuned for the next bog – Timeout: An outline to enlightenment

A close friend from the Temple and I were carpooling to work one morning when she asked the fateful question: “Hey Alana,  are you planning to be at the mini retreat, the one where we will all take the 8 precepts and stay at the Women’s Center?” Those were basically her actual words, but what I heard was a secret message, roared in a loud, monstrous, voice saying something like, “if you don’t go to this thing, you are a bad Buddhist, and I know, you don’t want to go. Afterall, you never come to temple. In other words…you are a bad Buddhist. Bhaaaaadddddd Buuuddddhist, bad, bad, bad.”

When I looked over at my friend, she looked like her normal sweet self, not like a huge angry monster; I realized quite quickly that my friend wasn’t the monster, the monster was living in my head. What took a little more time — which is the contemplation I will share in the next few blogs — was figuring-out just where that monster came from and how to uproot the wrong views that had to be uprooted in order to get it to leave.

So, to be clear from the start: I absolutely did not want to go to this retreat. Most of all, I didn’t want to be dressed-up all in white like some good, pious, practitioner when I felt like just a regular old, non pious, person. The problem was, a part of me felt like I should want to go, or that even if I didn’t want to go I should do it anyway. Going, particularly going when i didn’t want to go, made me a good Buddhist and not going proved what I already ‘knew’ — I was a bad one.

There was clearly a lot going-on with the angry, conflicted monster in my head, so it took many days to actually break-down my beliefs/main issues into broad categories. Here I will share those and in upcoming blogs we will see more about how I challenged those views with the truth (impermanence).

1) I’m not ready — so Dear Reader, there is a little something you ought to know about me: I’m not a half-in kinda gal. If I commit to doing something, I do my damndest to do it. So, I am super careful about just what I commit to. In my mind, taking 8 precepts, even just for a weekend, is super serious. It reflects a commitment to practice, in a particular, non-lay person-ey, way thats a huge deal.

In my mind, to wear the outfit and take the vows, without the appropriate level of commitment –of feeling in my heart that it reflected where I saw myself/life/practice — was fraudulent. The problem however was that I felt terribly guilty about not being ready. I felt like I should be. That by not being, it proved that I wasn’t a good practitioner and that I never would be. Because –wrong view spoiler alert —  what I am today is proof of what I always will be.

2) I felt like I was being asked to push harder/more/faster than I was capable of — Truth be told, in the car with my friend wasn’t the first time I heard that angry/ judgmental monster voice. I had been hearing it a lot lately when I listened to teachings coming from the Wat. Everytime I heard about the need to be more restrained, more careful, to have moral dread over the consequences of my actions, my mind was pushing back; that monster started roaring while a little, desperate voice kept saying I am doing the  best I can do, I literally can’t do any more. I felt like the drill sergeant monster was standing over me kicking me and screaming at me to do just 1 more push-up, but my body literally wouldn’t/ couldn’t do it. Which brought me to number 3….

3) If I couldn’t do more and what I was doing wasn’t enough, I felt like I had only 2 options:

Option 1 — Just keep doing what I was doing and hope that with practice, training, chiseling away at my wrong views, I would one day be able to do more. Just like working out every day means slowly being able to do more push-ups. A part of me felt like the work I had done on my practice already showed results, that I had evidence I should just stay the course…but I felt like this side of my mind was under attack. Like my practice was under attack and that I had to protect it, nurture it, still see it as a refuge…otherwise that increasingly loud monster was going to push me to option 2.

Option 2 — Give-up.If I really couldn’t do more and what I did wasn’t enough, why keep practicing at all? Why put the work, time, energy and struggle into something that can’t be accomplished.  Spoiler alert #2 — just because something can’t currently be accomplished, it doesn’t mean it can’t be accomplished at all/ever. Inputs change and outcomes too, but more on that later… In that moment, as I weighed going to the retreat or not, I really worried that a weekend at the Wat , which felt like doom and gloom anyway, surrounded by people in  white cloth (that there was no way in hell I was going to wear) was going to be the push that pushed me to quit practice all together.

4) But other people do it so shouldn’t I  —  other people, like my dear friend, were going to the retreat and they seemed excited to take the precepts. In fact, these folks go to the Wat all the time and seem to love it. I, even when I am not feeling so doomy/gloomy, prefer to practice alone, to follow my own topics and experiences. I sometimes just find so much group practice/teaching overwhelming. But … I’m a Bad Buddhist… maybe if I were like them I would be a better Buddhist. So maybe I just need to suck-it up and sacrifice.

5) Real Buddhists sacrifice — A deep dive into why I feel sacrificing for sacrificing’s shake is the pinnacle of goodness and hence Buddhistiness is an analysis of another time (Spoiler alert #3 it is definitely a wrong view however whereby I think 1 approach, sacrificing, is always the best and that what I read as being sacrificial, and hence good, in other peoples’ actions is even a sacrifice from their perspective). Suffice it to say that I recognized this pattern in my thinking and it lead me to the the pretty ridiculous catch-22 that if other people could do it I should be able to as well (spoiler alert #4 –I of course don’t know anything about other people’s motivations, or their results and there is no way to know that what works for you will also be the exact thing that works for me). If I just bucked-up and do something I didn’t enjoy/ did not believe in/ didn’t feel right then I would gain “credits” toward being a good Buddhist, as long as I didn’t become so overwhelmed of course that I quit practicing all together…

Coming-up next time…a little Ubai — a small crack — through which I could begin to chip away at these beliefs and the wrong views that underlaid them…

   

Well Dear Reader, we have finally arrived at the beginning — the events/thoughts that immediately preceded the very blog you are reading now. I’ll set the scene for you…

The time was early 2016 and my practice was gliding along quite smoothly. Until, it suddenly wasn’t: A close friend from the Temple and I were chatting and she asked what seemed like a simple question, “Alana are you coming to the upcoming retreat? We get to dress in white, keep the 8 precepts and stay at the women’s center. I’ll be there.”

I know my outside voice said something in reply, but it was the voice in my head that was really screaming, “run, get-out, break-free, you don’t belong here, this is so so so totally not you.” And so began the second major meltdown of my dharma practice: Alana,The Bad Buddhist  (the first, if you want a reminder is recapped in the blog Screw, This Dharma Thing.)

This will be a pretty short ‘chapter’ that covers some of the contemplations around those Bad Buddhist days that culminated in the starting of this blog.