Alana's Dharma Blog

Dear Reader, this right here is a biggie Buddhist moment –Don’t miss this and the next blog!!!

Around late 2013/ early 2014, I practiced with an acute fear that I would somehow fall off  the dharma path and end-up wandering in the weeds for countless more lifetimes; not exactly a comforting thought for a practitioner whose great aspiration is to reach enlightenment now, as quickly as possible, preferably in this life.

My greatest fear was that I would lose my teacher, Mae Yo, and without her I would be dharma screwed (gone, for a little while anyway, were the days of Screw This Dharma Thing). So I spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand the path as a roadmap, something that I could know myself and follow, even if, one day,  Mae Yo was not there to guide me.

As this is very long, I will divide the email into two blogs. This blog will contain the first two sections: The Path in General Terms and The Path From My Experience Quitting Smoking. The Next blog will take-up the last section: The Path in Slightly More ‘Official’ Buddhist Terms Using My Own Experiences with Hotels in Hawaii

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Part 1: Step by Step in General Terms (If I Had to Write a How-to-Guide):

I guess in a nutshell I see the path this way (I realize it is not exactly linear and that the parts keep intersecting over and over, but for the sake of simple roadmap, I will innumerate:

1) We look around at the world, nature, our lives, lives of others, etc. to gather the evidence we need to begin convincing ourselves that the nature of this world and everything in it is changeable, subject to decay, dependent on basic laws of cause and effect. Once we have begun to internalize this we can →

2) Find places in our life where we are sad, angry, emotionally uncomfortable in some way and begin to analyze why. With enough thought we can see that some idea we hold to be true are actually antithetical number 1 above, everything is impermanent. We want something to be permanent, or we act like it is permanent, or we try to exert control over something to make it more permanent than it is, with the belief we can affect the outcome we want absolutely (this one is a biggy for me). This is what is causing our dis-ease.

3) With practice we can see that many times the same wrong views keep coming-up in different ways. At this point, for me anyway, it is helpful to think about Sanna and Sanakara (3s and 4s in Alana verbage ;)). Using the aggregates I can see the pattern more clearly of how all those wrong views arise in the first place, and how we can interrupt them. This was also the source of my understanding #4 below.

4) By seeing the patterns of wrong views more clearly and overtime, we can figure out that we are the common denominator–we are the ones who are creating all the noise. It is also therefore us that can create its cessation. I guess this one is pretty critical because, for a while I felt like–what now, what do I do with all this. Sure, I have better seats at the movie now,  know some of the back plot but I still can’t do anything. Then I realized I was writing the script…

5) Seeing that suffering isn’t a “one-off” or a freak exception but rather a consistent pattern lets us start asking “is it worth it?” We can weigh the balance of our pleasure versus suffering, or rather, see the suffering even in our pleasure and begin to overcome our addiction to this world.

Part 2: My Personal Example…I’m Beginning to Think Quitting Life is Like Quitting Smoking...

Birth and Becoming as a Smoker:

Even though, on an abstract level, I knew smoking was bad for me I had reasons for wanting to start. I wanted the social element, I wanted to look cool, I wanted to impress a girl. Just like with other causes in life (like wanting to be better then my brother fueling decades of vegetarianism), over time the original reasons became buried, and I kept smoking out of habit. I became used to the ritual of smoking, the timing, and even though I really didn’t enjoy it that much, the idea of not having a cigarette after a meal, or at the end of a work day was inconceivable. Moreover, I set other particular conditions around smoking and used those to help define my identity as a smoker –I smoked only a particular brand, ‘packed ‘ my cigarettes a certain way, etc.

It was only after my dad died of cancer that I was able to kick the habit. Till then I did know intellectually that smoking was dangerous but I thought :

1) Things won’t change and I won’t die –I am immortal. This was particularly true back when I started smoking at 18 and it was so hard for me to see and identify my own decay.

2) As I got older I thought I’m still young –I can quit later and I’ll be ok.

3) Other folks get sick from smoking, but not everyone does. There is hope that I will be fine because I am somehow special.

4)That it wasn’t going to be this one cigarette that kills me…so I can just go ahead and smoke it.

Seeing the Wrong View:

When my dad died I really saw impermanence.

1)I saw that everyone, even someone that seemed larger than life to me, someone I loved so much , died. If my dad, who was like a hero to me, could die, so could I.

2) My dad was a youngish man when he died, 65. He was so full of life, he traveled and exercised and then bam, out of nowhere a cancer diagnosis. Dead 3 months later. How can I assume I will have more time to quit or change when my dad sure didn’t.

3) This idea that I am somehow special –in better control, really started to erode when my dad died. I loved my dad so much, but I couldn’t make him live through either will or through my own good fortunes.  I saw that even if some folks can have a beloved parent live long into their adulthood, I wasn’t one of them. There was no guarantee I’d be a “lucky smoker” either.

4) So this one is a bit more complicated, I see it though as the issue of when does the pile become a heap. When my dad was dying I often thought about when he actually got sick. He was clearly sick before he was diagnosed, he had been having pain and weight loss for a while, but no one called it cancer. Even before he felt effects, he was technically not called sick at all, but the cancer was probably growing. All of us actually have cancer cells in our bodies, most of us however dispose of them and they never become a critical issue. The wrong view is subtle and I still have some trouble articulating, however I think its about the control we exert and the identity we build through naming, classify and grouping. By isolating a single cigarette I could say this one is not dangerous, its the pile that dangerous–it misses the fact that its a self imposed distinction.

Seeing the Suffering:

Starting to see suffering in general, and around smoking in particular, was much easier after watching my dad die. For one thing, my dad was in so much pain when he was dying–I don’t want to suffer in that way. My brother, stepmom and I went through so much pain as well, not just with his loss, but through the stress of caring for him in his final days –I did not want to cause that kind of suffering to Eric if I can avoid it.

I understand (on some level) that whether I smoke or not, I will die;  it may be from cancer it may be from something else, it may be slow, painful, quick, easy, no way to know. But why stack the cards against myself? Why plant the seeds for suffering and pain if I don’t need to?  Its suffering for free.  So I quit. And I quit for real. I have been out with friends and had a few cigarettes since I quit and I thought, “this is just disgusting.” These days I don’t even have urges anymore, I see other folks smoke and I don’t want to join them, I don’t want to smoke too. I’m just done.

The Sum-up on Why I’m Starting to Suspect Quitting Life is Like Quitting Smoking:

Much of this actually came-to me when I woke from a dream while we were in India, so I don’t have the clearest line of thought as a lead-up. But with some backwards engineering..

I see that my starting to smoke was consistent with my understanding of arising through the 5 aggregates. A bunch of 3s, memories, (that the cool kids smoked, that beautiful women in ads smoked, that smokers all seemed to be collect, that this chick I liked spent a lot of time smoking and only hung out with other smokers) got my creative 4 juices flowing, imagination, (I thought I could be cool, and would be better accepted if I started smoking).

I also see that there are even more basic and older conditions that I set out as true, ruled by older 4s that became 3s sometime in the past. For example I had “learned” if I did things to fit in, I would be accepted. Even further back I must have learned that if I was accepted I would be safe, I would benefit in some way. 

Over time I lost sight of the original reasons for smoking and habitual patterns took over. It became wrapped-up in my life, in my identity and it became harder to let go of over time. I set so many conditions around pleasure and satisfaction and smoking. What interrupted the smoking cycle was an experience that actually helped me internalize my own impermanence and to consider the real risks and suffering of the actions.  After that I just realized it wasn’t worth it at all. I was done.

Moreover, when I look back at it I realize no one made me start smoking and it was me who was able to quit.

I have also been thinking a little since all this dawned on me about the original conditions that got me to start smoking. Over time they changed — it was no longer cool to smoke, in fact these days its pretty unpopular. I have been wondering a bit about whether I would have been able to quit if the original conditions hadn’t changed…I’m still not sure how to answer this one.

Later Day Note: Mae Yo actually did answer this finally question for me, “Mae Yo says that even if society continued to see smoking as cool, your seeing the truth of it (your dad) effectively made it uncool. So she thinks that yes, you would’ve been able to quit, regardless.”

Tune in next week for  Part Three: The Path in Slightly More ‘Official’ Buddhist Terms Using My Own Experiences with Hotels in Hawaii

Back in Dec. 2013, my teacher, Mae Yo, began a Youtube Q & A series to answer questions that students submit about life, the universe and everything Buddhist (you can check-out her videos here https://www.youtube.com/user/KPYproductions/videos). Since my own knowledge on these topics could use a little work, I compiled a hefty list of questions. Generalized/public versions of these questions and formal answers can be found amongst the videos linked above. However, in this post, I would like to share my original questions and the personalized answers Mae Yo provided becuase I think they highlight the issues I was struggling with in my practice at that time.  Note: My questions are in black and Mae Yo’s responses are in Green.

1) How do I know if my practice goes off the rails? What are the signs to look for? How do I fix it?

You will know, just like you knew that your viewpoints in the past were wrong and caused you suffering, and how you know now that your viewpoints are right and balanced.

2) Who should I go to for help if you are not here?

Yourself! We must always rely on ourselves, and you have relied on yourself to get you to where you are now.  

3) Can you give a roadmap to the practice? A simple and concise explanation of the path according to our method? Alternatively…would you listen to what I think the outline of the path is and help me make course corrections as needed?

There are the 10 fetters http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fetter_%28Buddhism%29 that are a map that you can refer to. But it’s not like we can look at it and follow it. It’s more like you get there and look back at it for confirmation.

We just practice like we are now, we’ll get there. The important things are the 3 common characteristics, four noble truths, 8 fold path (or really just the first one- sammaditthi, right view), and the five aggregates that we’ve discussed. That’s all you need. But yes, let me know what you think the outline of the path is (The next two posts will contain the outline I sent back to Mae Yo as well as her comments).

4) When I started practicing I had the expectation that practice would make me feel happiness and equanimity. Often though I just feel sad (not dysfunctional depressed, just sad). I look at stuff in my life that used to make me joyful and excited and I see the costs and the suffering. Usually we are taught being sad means something is wrong? Does that apply to practice too?  

Sadness in English doesn’t really describe the feeling so much, right? It’s like a disillusioning awakening… like oh my god how did I not see this for so long? Seeing the other side of what you always thought was just flowers and butterflies.

Sad is like how you felt when thinking about attaining sotapana…what would Eric do without you? That’s sad like worried, your imagination ran wild until you caught it. You don’t even know what will happen, just imagination.

If it’s the right kind of sad, it’s like, “oh good that I see this now, and I’m not sitting on it. I will do better now.” For you, it was like, “oh well if I get to sotapana then I’ll know how to deal with it. we’ll talk about it when i get there.” (the sotapana reference here is from this story: http://alana.kpyusa.org/category/odds-and-ends/)

5)  What do you see as the relationship between suffering and impermanence? Can you give a concrete example from your life/practice?

Suffering comes from something stopping..it’s anything that you need to tolerate. Impermanence is continuous movement, not stopping. Suffering is like you want it to stop but it moves. It’s putting a stick in the water and causing ripples.

5b) I notice control as a recurrent theme in my own practice. It seems to be one of the key elements that links my wrong views of permanence to suffering.  Do you have anything on this particular topic that you think would be helpful for me to hear?

Whenever you see yourself controlling, there is a wrong viewpoint there. Make sure you know what the wrong viewpoint is, and what the right one is. In translating books, we try to control how people view it, how they understand it. But can we?

6) I know we have talked a little about this before, but I will re-ask in case there is additional info …what are the most important things to do to prepare for death. If I am in a situation where I believe I am likely to die what’s the best course of action (I already know it’s wise to make my aspiration, which we have gone through in detail, and contemplate a realization/dharma accomplishment I have had…anything else)?  

Understand that dying isn’t something that is scary, it’s like changing houses. Moving from one house to another. Or changing cars. It’ll be good if you’ve cultivated a lot of good deeds in this lifetime…your next life will be good.

What do you think about death? That it’ll be painful or scary? It’s just like sleeping and dreaming. It’s no different. Take it from someone who has died and come back. We’re only afraid because of how we imagine it to be. No need to imagine it first, we have no way of knowing how it will happen. Let it happen and deal with it then.

7) Any advice on how I should balance the wisdom part of my practice and any ritual/explicitly religious stuff? Any suggestions of other, more traditional resources, like scripture or jataka stories that you think would be helpful to me in addition to my looking at my own experiences and the world around me? Are these things necessary? If so when?

Really, we have all the information we need around us, we don’t necessarily need to read the scriptures or jataka stories, but doing so provides us with confirmation that we’re doing what the Buddha taught.

8) Is there any other question you would ask if you were me? No

As a kid my greatest Disney World love,  the thing that filled me with anticipation before each visit, was the ride  20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I remember climbing down to take my seat on the submarine, watching out the window as we traveled deep under the ocean seeing mermaids, and giant squid, and other sea wonders. As soon as the ride ended all I wanted was to get back in line and do it again.

As I got older, my family stopped taking us to Disney and I didn’t go again till I was about 16 years old. The first thing I did when I got to the park was run for 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. But even as I stood in line, I saw things I never noticed as a kid. There was no ocean, no submarine, you could see the ride tracks just a few feet under the murky water. The ‘submarine’ was  dank and dirty, the undersea wonders just cheap plastic. As soon as I got off the ride I had an ah-ha moment. I told myself, “Alana, never look back, never look too closely at things you enjoy, when you need to, look away. Do whatever you can to preserve good memories,  keep the happy bits and avoid/ignore the suffering.”

Nearly 2 decades later, I am sitting in the car, reflecting on this memory and realize, I got it all wrong.

1. Looking away from something can’t change what it actually is –I thought, if I avoid revisiting my happy places, I can stay in control, things will be as I imagine and remember. It is the same as my tendency to look away from decay, I ignore what I don’t want to see. But whatever my memories, whatever conditions I set around pleasure and suffering, whatever I I I Me Me Me does, it does not change reality. My perception  does not make a ride something other than that what it is.
2. Nothing I do will ever, ever ever ever ever ever ever, allow me to have only the happy side of something and not the suffering — You see, I loved the ride. I loved the snacks in India when they were still fresh in the wrapper, I loved my Wonder Woman body the night of the Halloween party. Then, when these things changed I tried to avoid the pain of loss, to look away. Clearly though, given that I still remember the great ride disappointment of 2 decades before, my tactic does not work. Ignoring decay does not prevent it. Avoiding the suffering that comes with  loss, as long as I still have things I don’t want to lose, is impossible.
3. Looking away has a cost — it’s not just that my idiotic method (i.e. wrong view) of looking away doesn’t work, it actually works against me. Over and over I think that ride, that snack, that body is worth it. Over and over I will suffer to get those thing and suffer to lose them. But things in this world are only worth it until I start believing they are not any more. And the process of believing, of gathering evidence, starts by looking. (Present day Alana says one of the next blogs takes a concrete example, smoking, to explore the process of moving my mind from worth it to not worth it..stay tuned).