September 2016 – Alana's Dharma Blog

The Buddhist Who Loves Bacon

September 30, 2016 alana Comments 0 Comment

I love bacon –seriously, I do a little celebration dance in the kitchen whenever my husband cooks it. I wrote a little song too: Bacon bacon such a treat, something super delicious to eat…But, it wasn’t always this way, in fact I was a moral vegetarian for more than 20 years. Squiggly line zoom-out…

I was about 10 years old, my family was driving around Miami on a Saturday evening and, out of the blue, we saw a pig jump out of the back of a truck, get hit by a car and run into the bush aside the road. We, being good, caring people, stop the car, chase the pig down and put it in the back of my Dad’s fancy Cadillac. So now the real question…what do we do with a pig?

After finding the pig medical care, we brought him home and named him Traif. One day my brother decided to feed Traif bacon and, being the little piggy that he was, he ate it. I was appalled, I felt like I would never want Traif to be made into bacon and I extended that emotion to all other animals. I felt disgust with my brother too — seriously, feeding a pig bacon, ugh!. I had already come to the conclusion that I was better than Seth in my extraordinary compassion, and here was another chance to prove it with my actions — I stopped eating meat that day and began 20 years of being a burden on all the humans who ever wanted to cook for and care for me, starting with my Mom and Dad. Over the years I layered more elaborate moral arguments onto my initial decision. But at the heart of it, I was a little girl who saw something emotionally shocking and felt like I wanted to do something to help. Only later did I realize that I was mostly just ‘helping’ myself…

Fast forward to a few years ago. Initially, it was my doctor’s suggestion I start eating meat to deal with some digestive and blood sugar issues I was having. I was so hesitant, I wanted to be a good person and good people are vegetarians. Right? But then again, I also wanted to be a healthy person and in my case, that may mean eating meat. I decided it was time to consider what wrong views may be underlying my diet:

1) Being a vegetarian can’t make me a good person — I realized, over time, being a vegetarian was part of a particular identity I had established for myself –“Alana the Good Person”. Even from the get-go, part of my decision to stop eating meat revolved around being better than my brother and being compassionate to animals. The longer I was a vegetarian the more I saw it as an identifying characteristic of myself and as evidence of myself as a good person (and a person who was better and morally superior to others).

As part of my broader practice I started confronting a number of the identities I have created for myself, including the “Alana as a Good Person” one and probing them as to their truth and desirability. So in this case some of the questions were: Is there such a thing as a 100% always good person? Is it an identity I can have? I realized that sometimes I do things I judge as good and other times as bad. So am I a Good Person if my actions are mixed? Moreover the same act that I may judge as good can be judged as bad by others. Also, its situational, sometimes something can be good and other times that same act can be bad.

I contemplated a number of actions I had assigned as kind and compassionate, not eating meat was one of them. So, if not eating meat really is good can it balance out other bad things I do and make me net good as a person? I also thought about situations where eating meat could be good, or at least neutral –what if I was starving? What about not refusing something offered if I worry doing so might cause offense? What about honoring cultural or religious norms of places I visit?

I saw that there is actually no such thing as a good person or a good action all the time—I was striving to be something that doesn’t exist. I also realized that my actions to be a good person were mostly self-serving … Good Person Alana wanted approval from others, wanted to be loved, wanted to be treated with the same “kind compassion” I treated others, including animals, with. Good Person Alana was actually not all that altruistic. In the process though I was ignoring that there could be actions and identities that are more or less appropriate at certain times. For me I found that sometimes eating meat could be desirable, like when it helps stabilize my blood sugar, or makes it easier on hosts cooking for me. Sometimes it may not be appropriate, like if I developed trouble digesting meat, or if I went to stay in home that had rules that everyone should cook vegetarian food in the kitchen. Either way, by clearing-up the misconception that being a vegetarian makes me good (or even more profoundly that I can be an absolutely good person), I was able to open myself to making decisions on a case-by-case basis that frankly causes me much less suffering.

2) The idea that not eating meat was allowing me to assert control over the welfare of animals and over my relationship with animals was completely false: Even at first blush this is pretty ridiculous. After all, I wasn’t raiding factory farms and freeing the cows. I was just not eating what was already packaged in the store. Still –in my mind I was super heroically transferring the virtue of my meat abstinence into the living condition of animals –impressively delusional no? I came to realize that this notion was hubris. As was the more subtle lurking idea –I knew what animals deserved and it was my role to somehow interrupt their fate, in whatever way I could, in order to control its outcome. Basically I came to see that this is a pretty deep misunderstanding of karma. In reality I have no idea what got animals, or anyone, into the situation they are in. To believe that blindly, and based on my own poorly informed judgments, I should (even if I could) intervene is ridiculous. I’m not saying its never appropriate to act or intervene –just that I was applying a blanket misunderstanding to create a blanket rule. Intervene, in one particular way, in all cases.

3) That I could have my cake and eat it too. I wanted to be a vegetarian even though it was creating health problems for me. So on one hand, I wanted to be a vegetarian, on the other I wanted to feel good and be healthy. For me, at that time, the two were mutually exclusive and I was suffering for wanting both outcomes when only one seemed possible. What finally prompted me to start eating meat again was realizing that I was the one setting-up all the trouble, after all, I was the one creating rules (based on my own wrong views) for a diet that made me feel ill.

Ubaitam in the Ocean

September 23, 2016 alana Comments 0 Comment

I was in Mendicino, a charming seaside town in Northern Cali, and I’m staring out the window of a coffee shop, watching the ocean, impatiently waiting for Eric to get his latte. At first I was mesmerized by the crashing waves, the churning near the rocks, it was so so beautiful. Then suddenly I thought, from here, from this perspective, this viewpoint, it’s all beauty no pain. I don’t notice, don’t think about…the rocks are so sharp, so dangerous, the water so cold, just below the surface are animals that bite, that sting, that cause harm, peril.

How is my own life like this? Where are the places, the things, the relationships in which I only see the surface, the one side, I forget the costs?

The truth is, this brief contemplation was shallow, not full or complete. It was before I really began to see and comprehend the way suffering permeates my life. I didn’t yet understand how to look at the rupa — the car, the clothes, my body, my beauty — and see the dark side. Or my imagination, my aspirations — having that princess charmed life, having that ‘dangerous’ and mysterious lover, having that high powered partner — and seeing the costs. That came later. Much later.

But this Ubai, like the plants, it stayed with me. Gnawed at my mind for years. I share it now, Dear Reader, so you get it in the same course I did. So that when it comes up again you can trace the timing, you can appreciate how long a seed can stay below the surface. Also, so you know…not every story of mine or thought has a neat conclusion, a short tie-up. But over time my mind has a pattern of coming back to examples, thoughts, themes when I am ready for them to grow.

Incompetent Employees and the Voices in My Head

September 16, 2016 alana Comments 2 comments

I had this employee, let’s call him Glen, who just couldn’t get it together and stop making mistakes. I tried everything — I taught him, nurtured him, scolded him, guilted him, spelled-out the consequences of his mistakes, warned him — but still, every assignment he turned in was filled with errors . I WAS FRUSTRATED BEYOND BELIEF. Glen was a smart guy, he seemed pretty normal, with the skills of other opposable thumbed creatures, so how, HOW, was it possible that his attention to detail could be so bad ??? What in the heck am I supposed to do about it now???

_______________________________________________________

Interjection: For all of you that read the above paragraph and thought, “well duh..of course you are frustrated” or “Glen is a screw-up, you have every right to be upset with him, do what you must” or some other version of, “my feelings are Glen’s fault and my reaction based on those feelings is reasonable” — this blog is for you! After the story I will address the issue of how I separate my feelings, or ‘Inside Voice’, from my roles and responsibilities in the outside world, aka my ‘Outside Voice’.

I have learned that separating the Inside Voice from my beliefs about outside roles is critical for practice. Without doing this its sooo easy to fall into the trap of blaming my outside roles and responsibilities for my wrong views instead of fixing the views and, by fixing them, having a much clearer sense of how to perform real world duties. If I had just said there is nothing wrong with me, with my frustration, Glen really is a screw-up and it is my duty to fix it, I would have had all the suffering of my frustration, I would have allowed that frustration to dictate my actions (likely firing Glen), and then felt guilty, always wondering if I had made the right decision, since I fired Glen in a fit of frustration. Game over, no one wins… So back to the story…

________________________________________________

First off, whenever I am truly surprised I know there is a wrong view lurking. I believe something about the world is true in all cases, which is impossible. So, why couldn’t I believe a smart, normal, human could be detail challenged? I have met lots of absent minded professor types, I have a donor at work who fits the profile –so smart, so nice, so generous, but he can’t remember start times, can’t find concert tickets, doesn’t even know what day it is. I like him just fine… so, is it really all humans I think need to be attentive to details, or just my employees?

Was it because he was hired to do an administrative job and really I thought all Admins had to be detail oriented? I am detail oriented after all, I hired him, I know what I was looking for, why wasn’t he what I expected? Why wasn’t he like me? Or maybe he was…

Flashback moment… For many years I took piano lessons. I went to class consistently, I practiced on my little keyboard, I did my homework, I wanted to learn. I think I am a smart and normal human, I definitely have an opposable thumb — but I am a horrible piano player. Sure I improved a little over time, but really, for all my effort, I just sucked. So why can’t I believe that someone else would have something they also sucked at? I was a piano student who sucked at piano. My Admin was an Admin that sucked at detail oriented administrative work. Is this really so impossible? Should I be totally surprised? Upset?

I remember too, my piano teacher didn’t suck. She played well, she was attentive and instructive. I heard some of her other students play and they sounded fine. But, despite all she did to help me, I remained a terrible pianist. I wonder if she was as frustrated with me as I was with Glen. Or, if she saw the truth — no matter what you do, you can’t control other people, you can’t make them something they are not. Those people are not yours, they are not under your power. Sure you can provide guidance, you can give feedback, you can discipline and teach. But in the end, you can’t make a terrible piano player into a concert pianist and you can’t make a non-detail oriented person into someone detail oriented. At most we can be a factor in someone’s success or failure, it’s not like we are an ultimate cause.

In fact, for as much as I saw myself as a hero trying to ‘fix’ my broken employee. I played a starring role contributing to the problem in the first place…I hired Glen after all. Glen was my first hire, my first employee, I had no idea what I was doing. I knew what I was looking for (someone detail oriented like me) but when I look back at the interview questions that I wrote, they were terrible indicators that someone had the skills I was looking for. Glen may have sucked as my Admin, but I sorta sucked as a Manager too…

And now it’s time for another later addition, an insert that doesn’t really follow the timeline of my practice, but which provides extra information I want to highlight. Here I want to talk about a technique (not KPY sanctioned, I came-up with this one on my own), I call:

Separate the Inside Voice from the Outside Voice:

In this world, we all have duties, we have roles that we have to play. I play boss, employee, spouse, daughter, sister, student, customer, patient, etc.. when I interact with folks outside my own head, I use what I call my Outside Voices. I really try to use my very best outside voice possible — basically because I have noticed that when my outside voice (words, tones, intensity, timing, actions) is wrong for a situation it can get ugly fast. FYI If you are interested in some more details of a helpful outside voice guideline the Buddha gave us called the Sappurisa Dhamma you can check-out LP Anan’s class: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re9E0G7IsWw&index=2&list=PLVuzoIVk88hhgIMzqmf4sNdoPlULI5DMX

I also have an Inside Voice. This is the understanding that I have of a situation in my head/heart. If I have right views then my inside voice is correct, it is aligned with the true nature of this world (the Dharma). If I have wrong views that inside voice is dead wrong, it sees permanence in a world that is always changing.

The critical thing to realize is that the way we ‘play’ in the outside world, our Outside Voice, does not always have to say what our Inside Voice believes. On some level, I think we all know this. For example, when a store clerk asks how my day is, I say “good” or “fine”; even if it’s a terrible day; it’s really not appropriate to spill my problems to the store clerk after all. Guys out there…when you have already left the house, you’re stepping into an event, and your gal suddenly whispers, “do I look fat in this dress?”, there really is only one right answer no matter how she looks.

By extension, even if we correct our Inside Voice, really see the impermanence and the places we are at fault in a situation, it doesn’t mean we suddenly stop fulfilling our roles in the outside world …its not like we can say, huh I can’t ultimately control my teenager so I won’t bother to punish them for sneaking-out at night. Or, I know this patient of mine will live or die based on their karma, so I’m not going to bother giving them medicine. Or I was the one who hired this person, that was my mistake, now I am stuck with them no matter how much they mess-up or cost the company. This would be ridiculous and ultimately, the clearer my views become, the more naturally correct behavior comes anyway…

It really was a huge ah-ha moment when I understood that just because I have a duty to manage my employee it does not mean, in my heart, I need to be upset by their work quality. Even if given the situation it is appropriate to scold them, fire them, (sometimes for some folks to yell at them), it doesn’t mean I need to be angry, hurt, disappointed, etc. inside my heart.

In the end, I fired Glen. I put him on a performance plan first, tried to support him in correcting his mistakes, but when I felt like I had exhausted all my options, I let him go. I did it with a clear heart as well. By correcting my wrong views I was no longer so frustrated, I saw the role I played in the events and I saw what role (changing Glen) I ultimately couldn’t play. I learned from my mistakes too.. It took a few more hires, I’ll admit, but I started to change my interview tactics, changed the background checks, I refined the training I provided, the feedback I gave, etc.

To-may-toe, To-mah-toe, Po-tay-toe, Po-tah-toe, Alana, Sandy

September 9, 2016 alana Comments 0 Comment

Again, I have chosen a story that utilizes a method that I have found particularly helpful in my practice. The method, which was taught at the 2012 KPY retreat, basically takes 2 objects and compares them as follows:

A is Better than B
B is Better than A
A and B are essentially the same
A and B are so different from each other they are not worth comparing

Back in the day, I liked this method as a quick fix –something that really forced me to shift my perspective in a hurry, something to take the edge off of a bloated sense of self. Without further ado, here is the story:

I was on my way home and my husband called to tell me that our friends Sandy and Blake were at our house, unexpectedly, to borrow something. As soon as I hung-up the phone I started feeling uneasy –I really didn’t feel like seeing those guys at all. I was already edgy about Sandy and Blake from their mooching (see the last blog). Plus, at the time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on why (don’t worry, this will be the topic of a future blog), but even though I loved Sandy, she could really get under my skin — the things she said and did annoyed me. A lot. Often. I simply wasn’t in the mood that day.

I pull over the car, to stall, but also to contemplate a bit. To try to do something to set my heart at ease enough that I wasn’t being mean to everyone as soon as I stepped foot in the door. Here is what I thought:

Alana is Better than Sandy: Well Duh. Of course I’m better in all ways…but more specifically, I am smarter, more responsible, prettier, I dress better, I actually have a job, I had better grades in school, I am richer, more generous, more articulate, I don’t mooch, I am more considerate, more conscientious, more physically fit, I plan ahead, am more calculated, more cautious, more compassionate, people just like me better (some people anyway…).

Sandy Is Better than Alana: Sandy is more fun, more care free, skinnier, easier going, has more friends, more adventurous, more outgoing, more open to new things and new people, more outdoorsy, more tolerant of change, Sandy goes with the flow, is less of a worrier, more of a caregiver, Sandy cooks, she is crafty, good with her hands, good with kids, good in new situations, gives her husband more freedom, people just like her better (some people anyway…)

Sandy and Alana are Basically the Same: Honestly, we are both 30 something white women living in SF. We grew up with rich daddies and married young. We are both college educated, have masters degrees, we like the same music, the same food, the same hangouts, the same activities, we have the same set of friends. We both like to play dress-up and peacock around. We both try to find jobs that make us seem important, busy enough, but not sooo busy or sooo important as to be stressful. We both bask in our sense of self awesome, open-minded, new agey hippy crap. We love to jump on trends that reinforce our hip sense of our hip selves. We spend every Friday night, almost every free moment, together, doing the same things. If she weren’t blond and I weren’t brunette –would anyone even notice if you switched one of us out for the other? In those critical ways that make up our everyday identity we are basically the same. Why quibble over who is better or worse?

Sandy and Alana are so Different from Each Other We are Not Worth Comparing: Sandy and I each have our own families, husbands, jobs and responsibilities. We manage each of these according to the rules, the norms, that we believe are appropriate, based on our own experiences and beliefs. We each have our own dreams, our own aspirations for the future. What success means to me is different than what it means to Sandy. What makes me happy, satisfied, anxious or angry are totally different than the things that evoke those responses in Sandy. Ultimately, my karma and Sandy’s are totally different from each other, so what is the point in comparing tomatoes to potatoes, they aren’t the same vegetable at all.

When I started the car again, it was with a profound sense of relief. Relief from the burden of needing to return home and keep vigilant watch, to note each of Sandy’s words or actions as evidence in my case against her and in favor of me. Overtime, my annoyance crept back…it wasn’t for quite a while longer till I started finding the deeper causes of my unrest with Sandy and could start killing them at their root.

Warning, this is another current day addition…looks like I just can’t help myself: I have used this method several times over the course of my practice with some very epic issues. Watching the pattern, I can look behind the curtain a bit and see where the profound power of this exercise lies: it uses a sneaky trick of my mind — the way in which I use comparisons to define the world — against myself. This exercise forces me to face the fact that it is my perspective, informed by all of my past experiences, biases and beliefs, that colors my ‘reality’ — Alana is better than Sandy. In truth however, there are always 2 sides, Sandy is also better than Alana in certain ways, at certain times, and according to certain people.

Deeper still, is that if I am able to see both sides, to minimize the bias for self, I can start to see that these comparisons I use to prop-up myself, the things I love and believe in, are hollow; ultimately, things, people, are so similar — made of the same elements, the same aggregates, arising and ceasing, having virtues and flaws, for people having hopes and disappointments, etc. This exercise has helped bring me way more humility because it shows me my own unexceptionalism.

Deepest of all, no two things are the same. In fact no one thing is the same from one moment to the next. For Sandy and I, we each have our own unique causes, karma, factors, directions and ultimately cessations. We are comparable only in my mind, only in select aspects, only for a very short time, only to serve my own agenda. So where is the sense in comparing? In boosting my sense of self with ‘information’ that ultimately fails to see the impermanence of each of our arising and ceasing? In tethering my sense of self to someone else, to something else, when in the end, that causes me to be the one who is bound, tied, imprisoned, not free.

Stop Being Such a Mooch

September 2, 2016 alana Comments 0 Comment

I had these friends, we’ll call them, Blake and Sandy, who were always mooching off my husband and I. When we went to dinner, the grocery, the farmers market, the movies, these two would just stand on the side while my hubs and I pulled-out our wallets. I figured, for sure, when they hung out with other friends, it couldn’t be like that. So why were we always expected to pick-up the tab?

The situation really tore me-up, I worried we couldn’t afford to pay for 4 all the time, we had to use our money to meet our own wants and needs, to save for retirement, a rainy day. I imagined-up a future scenario where we were just a few dollars shy of being able to pay for my life saving surgery…If only we hadn’t bought those ice creams for Blake and Sandy. On the other hand, I didn’t want to be greedy; my husband and I made more money than Blake and Sandy so shouldn’t we be the ones to pick-up the tab? Then again (so many voices in my head), I couldn’t help feeling taken advantage of, maybe they couldn’t pay for a fancy meal, but would an occasional cup of coffee be too much to ask for?

But, of course, there are a ton of wrong views and pretty deep concepts here (you may have noticed already that that’s sort of the theme of all these posts ;)) so let’s take a closer look:

1) That friends are all supposed to behave in some fixed, predictable, formulaic way. When it comes time to picking-up the bill, either bills should be split equally or those with more should always pony-up more. The problem was, if things should always be split equally, I was violating my own rules. My husband is the big earner in our house — let’s just say my quaint low-stress non-profit job is not exactly bringing in the big bucks — but still, we share everything equally.

And if those with more always bear the financial responsibility, there have been times at my job that I have had more in the bank then my organization — should I be paying them my salary? And is it the case that whatever the rule is it applies to every relationship across time and space or was it ok that Blake and Sandy may be treating us different than their other friends?

2. If I spend on X it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to get the Y I want/need… Alright Dear Reader, here I am going to exercise my ‘later addition author’s prerogative’ and add a bit more details. This is because though I want these stories to reflect my natural progress, I also want this blog to be clear and helpful. So, originally, as far as I got on this topic was that money is not necessarily black and white, I could spend some on X and some on Y. Or I could spend on X and still have enough for Y later. I had a bunch of scratched-out diagrams in my notebook, not terribly clear.

Fast forward to a meal I was having with a friend the other night. I order first and ask for french fries. My friend, who loves fires, orders after me and she does not order fries. In my head I’m already thinking, “Crap. Why didn’t she just get her own fries, now she is going to eat all of mine.” Food arrives and sure enough my friend and I both start hoovering down the fries. But then, we both get full, and in the end there are a few fries left in the basket. I immediately saw my wrong view — because a resource is finite it means I won’t have enough. But the truth is, I really can’t know my future wants/needs (even in the course of one meal). Moreover, I can’t know my future resources. I didn’t know how many fries would actually come in an order, just like I couldn’t have known how much cash I would have in the bank when it came time to pay for all the imaginary wants/needs that I perceived myself to be trading off in order to buy stuff for Blake and Sandy.

3. That money is equivalent to safety and security. Clearly this is not true, rich folks die, get diseases, get into accidents, have pain and loss everyday. Money does not protect them. In fact, there may be times where money makes one more vulnerable, like being a target of theft. Additionally, friends are sometimes a source of safety and security — so can I know in any instance whether money or friends, neither or both are going to help me (too many variables for a magic 8 ball to help answer)?

4. That there is a single activity or behavior which will indicate someone is taking advantage. These friends, actually did a lot for Eric and I. Even though they didn’t split bills, they took care of our home when we were away, helped us run errands, taught us lots of new skills and fun tricks, they were emotionally supportive and could be a lot of fun to hang-out with.Can any one activity and behavior demonstrate if they really cared for us or were they just using us (are these even either/or things or could it be both/neither)? Can I know what’s in someone else’s heart driving them? If not, why did I zoom in on one thing–mooching–and use that to judge their intention rather than picking another activity like time spent with us as the indicator of what was in their hearts?

At around this time, I had been contemplating Rupa (without much clarity or success to be honest so the explanation here has been colored by some more recent contemplations). Rupa is a fancy word for the tangible form that exists out in the world (including our bodies), versus all the stuff going on in our heads. This form, Rupa, on its own, is neutral, something that is just composed of the elements that make-up the physical world. The problem however is when our wrong-view ridden minds sense it, it really gets our imagination running. This Rupa, which in this story is money (dolla dolla bills yo), acts like a trigger for the problems that arise. It’s sort of a base, a foundation for the whole drama –after all, if there were no money in this story there would be no story at all.

Ultimately, the way I see Rupa, and the belief I can own it and control it is a major source of daily suffering. Starting to see this, and the mechanics of how the outside physical world interacts with my mind was a starting point for seeing the way this whole kit-and-kaboodle of myself and my beliefs arises. But those details are an entry for much much later… (shameless pitch to get you to keep on reading 😉 ) For now, lets just say..what a bunch of noise, for me, my husband, my friends, all based on the all mighty dollar.

Alana's Dharma Blog

Points of Interest Along My Winding Path to Freedom

Browsed by
Month: September 2016